Alternate Reality

TechCruncher Accuses AOL of Assault, Trial by Satire Commences

Why did TechCrunch pull a story about Googler being sexually harrassed? Because AOL’s Tim Armstrong made Michael Arrington do unspeakable things. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 8, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Editor’s Note: Normally we refrain from publishing stories that are purely attacks on someone’s personal life or character. Except of course for here, here, here, and here. Really we frown on this practice; nobody wants to read about this kind of thing. (And oh yeah, we almost forgot — here.) It’s just not what we do. But since we get shitloads of traffic from a story like this we figured, what the hell.

TechCrunch’s new owners are apparently helping themselves to the help. In a recent blog post, TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington has accused his new bosses at AOL of forcing him to perform editorial and other acts against his will.

Last week, TechCrunch published a story titled "Googler Accuses Twitter Engineer Of Sexual Assault, Trial By Twitter Commences," based entirely on a single blog post by a female Google geek detailing an unwelcome sexual advance from a male Twitter dweeb:

And then I went to the loo, and as I was about to go in, [name deleted] … called me over, and asked if he could talk to me….He brought me in to the snug, and sat up on a stool. He grabbed me, pulled me in to him, and kissed me. I tried to push him off, and told him I wasn’t interested (I may have been less eloquent, but I don’t think I was less clear). He responded by jamming his hand into my underwear and fumbling.

A few hours later that story inexplicably disappeared from — though not before being syndicated to other sites, where it remains. TechCrunch has yet to issue an official explanation as to why the story vanished.

However, eSarcasm has learned that, in a pseudonymous blog entry, Arrington revealed the sordid details of an encounter with AOL CEO Tim Armstrong that sheds light on the incident:

Tim called me over, asked if he could talk to me. We’d both been drinking pretty heavily. He took me into the men’s room, pulled me close and said "Sorry Mike, we can’t keep running bullshit stories where you’re just repeating someone else’s libelous accusations without doing any actual reporting — we have shareholders to think of." Then he jammed his hand into my underwear and started fumbling. It took him a while to find my dingleberries. (Later he admitted that, like Christine O’Donnell, he was still a virgin, but only in a spiritual sense.)

Then he performed a Dirty Sanchez on me. Again I had to help him. I have to say I was pretty disgusted. When he dropped his BVDs I noted the waxing trend had completely passed him by, and I threw up a little in my mouth.

eSarcasm has been unable to reach any of the parties involved for comment, mostly because we’ve been too busy surfing porn. But if any of them contact us we’ll be sure to update this story. Because that’s how real journalists roll.

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