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How to Use ‘Tweet’ and Other Dumb Internet Rules

Do you know the right way to use the word “tweet”? How about “like,” “LOL,” or “cybersex”? There are rules for these things, you know. Read up and learn.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 5, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Twitter Tweet RulesIf you want to say “tweet,” you’d better say “Twitter.”

Hang on — this isn’t some kind of geeked-out nursery rhyme. It’s one of Twitter’s new rules for how you should and shouldn’t use the word “tweet.”

Yes, the twits from Twitter are getting pretty tweaked at people turning “tweet” into an everyday term. So they’ve released a set of guidelines governing how the word can be used.

A couple of Twitter’s new rules:

Make sure that if mentioning “Tweet,” you include a direct reference to Twitter (for instance, “Tweet with Twitter”)

Don’t use Tweet in the name of an application if it can be used with any platform other than Twitter

Kind of a twatty move by Twitter, eh? We thought so, too. But then we learned Twitter isn’t the only tech giant doing this. In fact, a bunch of other Internet-oriented word rules are set to go into effect any day now.

Here’s a first look at some of the stupid guidelines coming soon to a computer near you.

  • Facebook Like ButtonLike: Should be used only when directly discussing sharing on the Facebook platform — for example, “Facebook is going to rape and pillage my data when I click on its ‘Like’ button.”
  • Lick: Should only be applied to ice cream cones, lollipops, and your loved one’s juicy bits. Should not be applied to your computer display — we don’t care how hot that porn is or how long it’s been.
  • Ho or Hoe: May only be used on Craigslist in reference to a gardening implement. A similar policy applies goes to whore, two-bit whore, hooker, prostitute, lady of the night, working girl, call girl, slattern, slut bucket, courtesan, harlot, hustler, streetwalker, strumpet, tart, coquette, concubine, floozy, skeezer, sperm sponge, money honey and pole polisher. Please use the term “skilled services professional” instead.
  • Microsoft FanboyCybersex: Should always be followed by a disclaimer: “with a 57-year-old fat dude who’s pretending to be a hot young chick”
  • !: Since the exclamation point is an integral part of its brand, Yahoo! is now asking all  bloggers to limit its use to sentences specifically discussing Yahoo!.
      - Not OK: “I love Microsoft Bing!”
      - OK: “Man, Yahoo! is a piece of shit!”
  • Asshole: While AOL discourages its members from employing this vulgarity, if the phrase is used on an AOL-affiliated site it must be styled AsshOLe — and then only when referring to Michael Arrington.
  • Live: This term may be used only in conjunction with Microsoft products, as in Windows Live, Microsoft Office Live, or why is Steve Ballmer still (a) Live.
  • Sucks: This term may be used only in conjunction with Microsoft products.
  • Apple Porn BanPorn: As part of its Campaign to Obliterate Carnal Karma (COCK), Apple requests that everyone avoid using the word “porn” effective immediately. (The term has already been blocked by Apple’s new iPhone sexting censorship technology.)
  • LOL: Should be used only if you’re (1) a girl between the ages of seven and 17, (2) a guy between the ages of seven and 17, or (3) a guy over the age of 17 who’s never touched a breast.
  • Google: This term may not be used as an infinitive verb, i.e., to Google someone. We know you’re going to do it anyway, but we reserve the right to sue your ass and have Eric Schmidt babysit your children.
  • Yahoo: This term may be used as an infinitive verb, i.e., to Yahoo someone. We know no one in their right fucking mind would ever do this, but we can dream, can’t we?
  • Apple: Seriously, don’t even go there.

(Angry Twitter bird image courtesy acriddle.com)






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