Alternate Reality

Charlie Sheen Demands Custody of Brooke Mueller’s Breasts

‘I paid for the twins, they’re mine, I want them back,’ declares the 45-year-old star of Two and a Half Men. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 2, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Actor Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his third wife, Brooke Mueller, and is seeking at least partial custody of Mueller’s breasts — or, as he calls them, ‘the twins.’

“I want the twins,” the 45-year-old actor said via his attorneys. “I paid for them. There are still six months left on the warranty. I want them back.”

Sheen said he would be willing to consider a partial custody arrangement in which he borrows Mueller’s breasts on alternating weekends and for six weeks during the summer.

“Only I can care for them the way God and the MediCor company intended,” Sheen is reported to have said. “God I miss them.”

The star of hit TV sitcom “Two and a Half Men” is also seeking custody of the couple’s 18-month-old boys, Bob and Max. Via his attorneys, Sheen is attempting to have Mueller declared an unfit mother for failing to adequately supervise his children while he was off on a cocaine-fueled binge in New York’s Plaza Hotel, playing hide and seek with porn star Capri Anderson.

“The next time I’m found naked and passed out in a the toilet of a fashionable Hollywood restaurant with cocaine smeared all over my face I want to know my kids are being well cared for,” said the sitcom star. “The only way I can know for sure is by leaving them with babysitters certified by the adult entertainment industry.”

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