Teach Your Baby to Be Like Trump
Reading to newborns? You might as well be teaching them to play with matches. What they really need is crash course in how to think like a CEO.
Apparently we’ve been doing it all wrong. New parents who hope to develop a love of books in their newborns by reading to them are missing the boat, says Dr. S. H. Jacob, author of Your Baby’s Mind: How to Make the Most of the Critical First Two Years. Reading to your baby is “virtually worthless,” he says. What your rugrat really needs is a Trump-style MBA.
Per the press release:
Babies can parrot back words and phrases but to truly expand their mind you must learn how a baby’s mind works. A student of world-renowned developmental psychologist Jean Piaget, Jacob has learned how to unlock a baby’s mind. In an educational and enlightening interview, Jacob can discuss how a child’s knowledge develops using the C.E.O. Process:
Construct: Children construct knowledge by acting on the things.
Expand: Children expand their knowledge by relating what they are trying to understand to what they already know
Own: Children come to own knowledge by using it.
eSarcasm has learned the CEO Process can make remarkable changes in a child’s early development. For example, take Francis Gerber (above right). Raised from the moment of his birth in the CEO Process, the precocious 3-year-old has already acquired a much larger competitor using junk bonds from offshore banks, laid off 10,000 employees, and awarded himself more than $7 million in stock options backdated five years prior to his birth. And he’s barely able to ride a tricycle!
“While my parents were still changing my diapers, the CEO Process was changing my life,” said Gerber, who’s currently serving 2 to 5 years in a maximum security crib for illegal insider trading of Pokemon cards. “Once I finally get out of here I’m looking forward to a long career of ruthless dealmaking and unscrupulous yet highly profitable behavior.”
Photo: This guy’s MySpace page.
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