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5 Reasons Why We Hate ’5 Reasons Why’ Stories

Why must so many blog posts revolve around “5 reasons”-this or “5 reasons”-that? How about some originality, people?

By (@eSarcasm)

November 1, 2010

Angry GuyEither we’re suffering from some serious déjà vu, or tech bloggers these days are absolutely obsessed with “5 reasons why” stories. Whether it’s “5 Reasons Why You Should Buy a Windows Phone 7” or “5 Reasons Why Windows Phone 7 Will Fail,” it seems every fifth blog you see is another self-serving set of stupid numbered reasons.

We at eSarcasm have had enough of this tired tactic. We hate “5 reasons why” stories. Hate ’em with a passion, in fact.

Wondering why? Here are five reasons.

  1. 5 Reasons WhyThey make stories appear insightful when, nine times out of 10, they’re the same ol’ info rehashed in a different form. If we wanted hastily rewritten versions of other people’s content, we’d read Mashable, OK?
  2. Certain bloggers feel the need to write one of these things every goddamn day. (You know who you are.) Unless it involves mouth-based contact with our genitals, even the best move in the world is gonna get monotonous when done five times a week.
  3. The stories are shameless ploys to tap into trending keywords and get easy traffic from Google — without having anything new to add to the conversation. Only total Google whores would dare stoop so low.
  4. Because nobody ever says, “I just met the hottest woman — she’s a perfect five.”
  5. The obsession with the number five can mean only one thing: the author’s penis is only five inches long.*

* Except for the authors of this piece, of course.

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  • Of course, you know the real reason why these posts exist. If you turn to page 15 of The Book On How To Be A Social Media Expert, Written By A Social Media Expert, there is a very clear commandment that says “Thou shalt optimize thyself by writing 'n reasons' blog posts and Digging them and tweeting about them ad nauseum.”

  • JAK

    You mean the authors don't even have 5 inches?

    • are you talking individually or cumulatively?

  • Twelv Erinches

    This is why I write 12 reasons why stories…