Rants In Our Pants

Tis a Pity We’re Google Whores

What do Kringle Candles, Hiccup Girl, Football Wives, and Tiger-humping hottie Loredana Jolie have in common? They’re all Google trending topics. And that’s all the excuse we need.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 25, 2010

Hello, and welcome to the first article in a series that we’re calling Yes, We Are Google Trends Whores, Thank You Very Much.

Here in YWAGTWTYVM we’ll attempt to cover the top 10 trending topics in Google’s list of what people are searching for at this very moment, repeating their names as often as possible while saying nothing of substance about any of them and trying to finish it before they disappear from the top 10, all in a shameless exercise designed entirely to generate Web traffic.

Ready? Here we go.

First up: The Kringle Candle Company. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, What the fuck is the Kringle Candle Company doing on top of Google trending topics? Not even a rat would give a rat’s ass about the Kringle Candle Company. And yet, there they are, the Kringle Candle Company, ahead of several other trends with much nicer tits.

What we gather from Gather.com is that the Kringle Candle Company is riding high on Google’s chart because — wait for it — "This weekend marked the grand opening of the Franklin County Kringle Candle Company store." Yes, really.

Here’s our theory: We think Google put them up there deliberately just so they could say the Kringle Candle Company was "on fire." Yes, that is how they roll at the Googleplex, where the refrigerator is always running and Prince Albert is forever in the can.

The number two slot belongs to Blossom star Jenna Von Oy, also "on fire," though less literally. As far as we can determine, Blossom star Jenna Von Oy was so honored due to her engagement to Brad Bratcher. Who the fuck are these people? Has anyone ever watched Blossom, really? At press time, there was no sign of a Jenna Von Oy sex tape, though we expect one to surface at any moment (we’ll pass, thanks).

Slots three and four are occuppied by Hiccup Girl ("on fire") and Jennifer Mee (ditto), who are the same person. Both of them achieved brief Internet fame in 2007 by hiccupping 50 times a minute for nine consecutive months and, more recently, for confessing to the murder of a 22-year-old man, whom Hiccup Girl Mee apparently lured into her apartment and shot point blank with a .38 in order to rob him. Hiccup Girl’s hiccups miraculously disappeared on their own; Jennifer Mee’s murder charge probably won’t.

The good news: We do not have nude photos of Jennifer Mee, aka Hiccup Girl. Trust us, you really don’t want to see those. And as far as we can determine she did not kill #5 on the Google top 10, reggae singer Gregory Issacs ("spicy"), aka The Cool Ruler. Though we understand she did once hiccup along to his 1982 hit, "Night Nurse."

We’re skipping over #6 — Disney Movie Club — because it’s the fucking Disney Movie Club, and moving on to #7, the delectably slutty Loredana Jolie ("spicy"), who according to the official scorecard was the ninth woman to publicly admit gripping Tiger Woods’ shaft. Ms. Loredana Jolie — affectionately referred to around Chez Woods as "the ninth hole” — has come out with a tell-all book about her four dates with Tiger, per our trend-seeking friends at Zimbio.

We know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, of course, we do have nude photos of Loredana Jolie. Everybody has nude photos of Loredana Jolie — she was in friggin Playboy for godsakes. But our nude photos of Loredana Jolie are much better than all the other nude photos of Loredana Jolie. Trust us.

Numbers 8 & 9? The tornado in Rice Texas and the World Series schedule. Sports and weather? What is this, the 11 o’clock news? Really, people.

We were heartened by Google Trend #10: Football Wives. But apparently this is a reality TV show where they follow the spouses of ex-NFL jocks, including things like attending Bible study sessions. Well that’s deeply disappointing. We were kind of hoping for scenes of washed-up quarterbacks displaying their junk to hot sideline reporters. Now that’s a real Google Trend.

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