50 Ways to Get Unfriended on Facebook
If you’re guilty of any of these Facebook faux pas, you’re in danger in being unfriended by everyone you know. Consider yourself warned.
Facebook friends can be a fickle bunch.
We’ve all been there, right? You think you’re best buds with someone, then one day — BAM! — you sign on to discover they’ve unfriended your sorry ass.
Was it something you said? Something you did? In short: yes. Most likely.
Some ambitious and/or bored researchers from the University of Colorado-Denver just completed a study on the Facebook unfriending phenomenon. The most common reason for getting unfriended, they say? Posting “frequent and unimportant” updates. Another top contender: making crude, offensive, or otherwise inappropriate remarks. (Not that we’d know anything about that.)
Hang on, though — those Facebook faux pas are just the tip of the iceberg. We’ve compiled an exhaustive list of unforgivable Facebook habits. Do any of these 50 things, and you’ll get unfriended faster than you can say “Winkling Winklevosses.”
So read on and learn. And don’t say we didn’t warn you.
You might get unfriended on Facebook if…
1. Your status updates all end with “Sent from my Microsoft Kin.“
2. Your status updates all end with “Sent from my new Windows Phone 7.”
3. You keep saying we’re “holding it the wrong way” and you are not
(a) a hot babe, (b) offering to show us the right way, and (c) talking about our penis.
4. You post semidaily photos of Justin Bieber. (Or maybe it’s Hilary Swank — fuck if we know.)
5. You play Farmville.
6. You play Mafia Wars.
7. You wear wire rimmed glasses and a faux black turtleneck at all times, but you’re worth considerably less than
$6 billion.
8. Like Elmo, you talk about yourself in the third person. Unlike Elmo, you do not double as a sex toy for Katy Perry.
9. You change your profile picture more than once a fortnight.
10. You post status updates about Perez Hilton.
11. You are Perez Hilton.
12. You exhibit three or more symptoms of Certified Facebook Douchery.
13. You feel the need to keep us apprised on the real story behind your revolving relationship status. We get it, OK? You’re a slut. Unless you’re interested in blowing us, pipe down already.
14. You delete your Facebook profile, then reactivate it 10 days later.
15. You talk about the “good ol’ days of MySpace.”
16. You routinely express excitement about that OMG-launching-any-day-now Verizon iPhone.
17. You hire two guys in a garage to build you a “dead simple Web tablet” and then throw a public temper tantrum when they steal the idea from you.
18. You post semi-nude pics of yourself — and you look like this.
19. You don’t post semi-nude pics of yourself — and you look like this.
20. You refer to any article of your clothing as a “hoodie.”
21. When you talk about your girlfriend, you’re actually referring to a Fleshlight Li’l Lupe custom-molded anus — autographed by Lupe Fuentes herself.
22. You’re the guy who bought Sex.com.
23. You work at Hooters, but haven’t yet slept with Tiger Woods.
24. You just called a woman your husband sexually harassed more than 20 years ago and left a voicemail demanding an apology.
25. You post status updates about your religion. If God were on Facebook, even He would unfriend you.
26. You’re Jesus. (Nothing against Him or anything — we just already follow the guy on Twitter.)
27. You’re using Facebook solely to try to get laid. Try one of these social networks instead, Don Juan DeDouchebag.
28. You use a pseudonym instead of your real name — “Jessie SF,” for example, or “4InchesButLooksLike5.”
29. You’re Robert Scoble.
30. You write negative things about Internet porn. That stuff is scientifically proven to be beneficial, you know.
31. You openly discuss your emetophiliac tendencies in your status updates. Hey, even we have our limits.
32. You feel the need to inform us every time you enter a Starbucks. We’ll take a venti decaf Shut-the-Fuck-Uppucino, please.
33. You overuse Facebook’s “Like” button. Try clicking on the “Indifferent” button once in a while, wouldya?
34. You’re a convicted sausage smuggler.
35. You post things with excessive acronyms.*
*Unless they’re approved sexting acroynms, of course — and directed at us.
36. You signed up for BeautifulPeople.com three months ago and are still wondering why you never received a confirmation email.
37. You left a priceless prototype of your company’s top-secret product behind in a bar — and you accuse the guys who found it of fucking up.
38. You go to bars where they serve shots out of a plastic replica of a woman’s hoochie.
39. You brag about how much Jagermeister you drank last night…. out of a plastic replica of a woman’s hoochie.
40. You consider yourself a social media expert. Go back to Twitter, Captain No-Skills.
41. You’re AT&T.
42. You protest important cultural events that embrace the power of social media — you know, like Boobquake and Describe Your Bra Week.
43. You’re running for a US Senate seat, yet you seem completely unable to locate the First Amendment — or your ass — with either hand.
44. Somebody posts a video of their friggin’ cat and you turn that into a comment war over Obama’s “socialism.”
45. You post a video of your friggin’ cat.
46. You continually praise Mashable for its incisive, original reporting.
47. Your “special events” have begun to resemble the Special Olympics.
48. You’re the type of person who is sincerely offended by this list.
49. You’re the kind of total Facebook knob who takes lots of Facebook quizzes, especially ones that tell you whether you’re a total Facebook knob.
50. You’re Mark Zuckerberg.
(Images courtesy Best Week Ever, Zazzle, and Nayschola.)
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