Alternate Reality

Poll: 37% of Christine O’Donnell Supporters Favor Separation of Mouth and Brain

Our new Insta-Poll reveals why the formerly-witchy Tea Party queen has become the darling of ‘Real Americans’ everywhere. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 20, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

We’re proud to introduce a new service to eSarcasm: The Insta-Poll, where we take the pulse of a nation on a wide range of topics using a special algorithm that reads the minds of our fans as they surf our site and directly surveys their subconscious. (Like Google, only with 1/10,000,000,000,000th the budget.) 

Today’s Insta-Poll dives deep into the current electoral season, exploring the inexplicable yet undeniable allure of Christine O’Donnell, Tea Party candidate for the US Senate in Delaware and recovering witch. (Note: The results have a margin of error of 3 percentage points, except in New Jersey and portions of Canada.)

First we filtered for people who support Ms. O’Donnell and asked them how they identified themselves. Overall, the results are not all that surprising.

We also asked O’Donnell’s supporters why they planned to vote for the 41-year-old political neophyte in November. Here’s what they told us.

* 61%  See her as a younger/hotter Sarah Palin but without the searing intellect.

* 37%  Are unsure about separation of church and state but feel very strongly about the separation of mouth and brain.

* 11%  Are opposed to tariffs on imports of wolfbane and eye of newt.

* 23%  Can see Tehran from their backyards.

* 29%  Own an AK-47 but are unable to spell “AK-47.”

* 47%  Want to bone O’Donnell, but only in an extremely righteous, morally upright way. Also, doggie style.

* 8%  Believe that wizards and warlocks who have entered the country illegally are destroying our economy by taking jobs away from real American witches.

* 16%  Think Samantha Stephens was pretty damned hot but her wicked cousin Serena was more likely to put out.

* 24%  Believe Christine O’Donnell really is “you,” or me, or possibly us. But definitely not them.

* 27%  Are voting for her because her nickname in college was “The Big O,” if you know what we mean.

* 87%  Think masturbation is a mortal sin but find the Hitachi Magic Wand spiritually invigorating.

* 92%  Believe that if God had not wanted Christine O’Donnell to be the next US Senator from the great state of Delaware He would not have given her such fabulous tits.

* 99.9%  Just need to lie down for a few minutes until the nausea passes.

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