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Six Geeky Products You Won’t Want to Miss

Seems like every tech company is coming out with non-tech products. From Facebook-inspired body spray to Apple’s magical iGlove, here are six hot products you’ll soon be seeing.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 19, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

It seems high-tech companies just can’t seem to stick to high tech. Facebook is now a movie. Twitter accounts have become TV shows. Google’s working on self driving cars and space ships.

Pretty soon, every tech company will be involved in every kind of business. In fact, they’re well underway. eSarcasm has learned of six upcoming product launches — from body sprays to board games — coming from some of the biggest names in tech.

Look for them at a Wal-Mart near you.

Apple iGlove

This stylish yet functional item of hand apparel turns anything it touches into a magical and life-changing device — while also improving signal reception by 37 percent. Its absorbent spongey surface may be used in the shower to exfoliate or simply for some personal happy time.

Zuck For Men

The world’s first “pro-perspirant” distills the essence of the world’s youngest billionaire — perfect for those dry days when both inspiration and perspiration are in short supply. Now you too can smell like seven billion bucks, give or take a few hundred million.


This portable polygraph employs the same technology used by TechCrunch to gauge the veracity of its many anonymous/invisible sources. You say your spouse wants to use it on you? Don’t worry, those fancy-looking knobs and gauges are mostly just paint. Built by the same people who brought you the CrunchPad (and then stole it away).

The Ballmeron Executive Chair

If you want to rule the world, you need a throne to match — and something to hurl out the window when Google steals yet another of your top employees. Wind-tunnel tested, the Ballmeron’s aerodynamic design ensures a smooth and stable flight, while its auto-deploy chute and hydraulically enhanced casters guarantee a soft landing. Upgrade to Premium Deluxe Edition for Business 1.0 and you’ll qualify to receive a Golden Parachute.

Google Goggles

This augmented-reality eyewear unveils a world of data behind every object. Where’s the nearest Starbucks? How old is that building? The answers appear before your very eyes, alongside contextually relevant text ads. It even works on people. (Is that old man hovering near the playground a known sex offender? Are those her real breasts? Who just farted?) Available in four different styles: goggles, binoculars, bifocals, or contact lenses. Requires g-Amygdala brain implant.

Yahoo’s ‘Futility!’

Now you too can can experience the thrills and spills of running a Web 1.0 startup. This exciting board game lets you buy other Web sites for millions and dump them years later for virtually nothing, pour endless streams of money into projects that go nowhere, and reorganize again and again and again. Spurn Microsoft’s acquisition offer? Get ready to lose your turn, your cushy corporate job, and your reputation as a smart person. Hours of fun for the whole family, especially those siblings who secretly despise you.

Google Goggles courtesy The Guardian. Board game originally from Unreality Magazine.

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