Rants In Our Pants

The Future Belongs to Facebook

First the ‘Like’ button spread like herpes across the Web. Now Facebook has infiltrated Bing searches. Here’s how the rest of the Facebook Future will unfold.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 17, 2010

Like it or – well, “Like” it – the Web now belongs to Facebook. The marriage between Microsoft Bing and the social network with 500 million of your closest friends is yet another sign that it’s Facebook’s Web, we just throw sheep in it.

What will the Facebook Future look like? To find out, we consulted the oracles, sat with swamis, broke out the Oujia Board, spit into some tea leaves, laid out The Tarot and read the entrails of a goat. (Note to self: Next time, wait until the goat is dead – that was really nasty.)

Here’s how it will all play out:

January 2012: Facebook goes public, issuing the biggest IPO in the history of NASDAQ. After a frantic first day of trading the share price reaches a high of $997, making Mark Zuckerberg the world’s first trillionaire.

To celebrate, Zuckerberg buys a new hoodie.

February 2012: Facebook gives Microsoft back its 2.3 percent stake in the company; Zuckerberg tells Steve Ballmer to perform an anatomically impossible act of self love.

March 2012: Using only stock swaps, Facebook acquires AOL, Yahoo, eBay, Priceline.com, American Idol, and Babes-in-Toyland.com, and begins merging all of those sites’ user data with Facebook’s.

June 2012: Google counters by purchasing Digg, Twitter, Netflix, Match.com, and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, as well as a 49 percent interest in Heidi Montag.

October 2012: Facebook members howl in protest when the votes they cast for their chosen Idols, the auctions they’re bidding on, airline tickets they just bought, and the names of their favorite battery-powered marital aids are automatically streamed to their Facebook news feed.

January 2013: After ignoring the user outcry for three months, Facebook finally agrees to simplify its privacy controls yet again, allowing members to navigate through only 17 screens (down from 239) to fully opt out of all data sharing.

April 2013: Facebook announces its 1 billionth member. The service is now available in 207 countries and more than 437 languages, including Urdu, Malamute, and Klingon.

January 2014: Facebook introduces the Facebook Phone, followed shortly thereafter by the Facebook Tablet, The Facebook Toaster, and Zuck For Men, the world’s first pro-perspirant spray. (The tagline: “It smells like money.”)

June 2015: Facebook unveils its Advanced Recognition Technology, which can automatically check members into Facebook Places via any Internet-connected CCTV on the planet. This video data is later used as evidence in more than 14,000 convenience store robberies.

August 2016: After months of secret negotiations, Google and Facebook agree to divvy up the rest of the Internet, not unlike how Stalin and Hitler carved up eastern Europe. The tiny Duchy of Microsoft becomes the only entity on the Web unaffiliated with either Facebook or Google.

To mark the new detente between the Web superpowers, Google agrees to adds Facebook Advanced Recognition Technology (FART) to its 2017 line-up of flying cars.

October 2019: Now 2 billion members strong, Facebook is granted nation-state status by the United Nations.

May 2022: US Senator Mark Zuckerberg introduces the Facebook Election Reform Act, radically changing the face of US politics and abolishing minimum age and nationality requirements for presidential candidates.

November 2024: Americans skip the polls and instead choose their president by clicking on the candidates’ “Like” buttons.

January 2025: Newly elected President Justin Bieber delivers his inaugural address by writing “ZOMG, I can’t believe you really elected me – you are all MOST AWESOME!!!!!!!!!” on his wall.

Big Zucker photo courtesy of IdeaGrove.

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