Alternate Reality

Sexting & Censorship: 25 Things Apple’s iPhone Won’t Let You Say

Looking to send naughty texts to your peeps? Don’t try doing it on an iPhone — Big Brother Jobs is watching. Here’s how Apple’s anti-sexting technology will work.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple has patented a device that will read your texts and remove all the naughty bits. Yes, that’s right: If you want to practice sexting with your peeps, you may have to do it on a device that isn’t magical, revolutionary, or life changing.

TechCrunch has the skinny on Apple’s new texting filters. Apparently, Apple now has the ability to block illicit messages outright, censor certain words, or substitute more wholesome and Applesque phrases in their place.

Of course, not everyone will want to bother with customizing their own iPhone anti-sexting software, so Apple has set up some default phrases it will swap in automatically when encountering forbidden text.

eSarcasm has gotten an exclusive look at the internal substitutions table Apple is using — and it’s a real eye opener. Here’s how Apple plans replace the things you type.

When you text this….

Apple translates it to this….

Tell me what you’re wearing

I find faux turtlenecks more comfortable, don’t you?

Take your clothes off

If you’re warm, feel free to remove your sweater

I want your banana inside my muffin

Did you get the fruit basket I sent?


No-no pouch

I have a ginourmous penis

I have the most advanced hardware you have ever encountered

Did U get the dirty pix I sent?

Did you get the keynote presentation slides I sent?

Fuck me

Hug me

Blow me

Hug me

Google me

Blow me

I’m looking at Internet porn

I’m downloading Bible apps

Fuck me like the whore I am

I look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship

I want your body

I want your internal organs – please fill out this donor card


iNtercourse (but only after marriage and for the purposes of procreation)

I am holding it right now

I am holding it right now, and the signal is more than adequate

Your tits are amazing

You have a magical and wonderful interface





Windows Phone 7

Windows Phone 7

Talk dirty to me

I’d call, but I can’t get any bars. I blame AT&T.

You’re a great fuck

You’ve revolutionized the way I think about your gender

Tie me up and hold me down

Please sign this iPhone app store developer agreement

You’re a complete asshole

I’m a Mac, and you’re obviously a PC

You’re a dirty little whore

You must work for Google

I like to insert potatoes into my rectum

I like beautiful and magical experiences

Sent to you from my Android phone

Can’t talk, must apply salve to my genital sores

Hand jobs

Steve Jobs

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