Rants In Our Pants

CONFIRMED: Verizon iPhone Is Absolutely, Definitely Real, Damn It

The iPhone is coming to Verizon, like, any second now. The evidence is indisputable. Why can’t you people see that?

By (@JRRaphael)

October 7, 2010

Verizon iPhoneApple’s prized iPhone is coming to Verizon, people familiar with the matter have confirmed beyond any shred of doubt.

The iPhone will be sold on Verizon starting in January 2009, early 2010, late 2010, March 2010, June 2010, September 2010, January 2011, mid-2011, and early 2012, various highly reliable sources have divulged.

Numerous analysts have verified that each of these dates is almost certainly correct. (And they obviously know what they’re talking about — why else would they be called analysts?) Even TechCrunch prophet MG Siegler, who never publishes purely speculative and completely unsubstantiated information, says it’s probably true.

As such, we should expect to see the iPhone launching on Verizon’s network nine to 14 times over the next (and the previous) 24 months. Please prepare accordingly, lest you be left behind leading a nonmagical and unrevolutionized (though perhaps somewhat more functional) technological life.

In related news, analysts are now predicting they’ll make more meaningless but confidently asserted Verizon-iPhone predictions sometime in the next quarter, or possibly late next year.

(Yoda iPhone image courtesy of TheFrogman.me)

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