Rants In Our Pants

CONFIRMED: Verizon iPhone Is Absolutely, Definitely Real, Damn It

The iPhone is coming to Verizon, like, any second now. The evidence is indisputable. Why can’t you people see that?

By (@JRRaphael)

October 7, 2010

Verizon iPhoneApple’s prized iPhone is coming to Verizon, people familiar with the matter have confirmed beyond any shred of doubt.

The iPhone will be sold on Verizon starting in January 2009, early 2010, late 2010, March 2010, June 2010, September 2010, January 2011, mid-2011, and early 2012, various highly reliable sources have divulged.

Numerous analysts have verified that each of these dates is almost certainly correct. (And they obviously know what they’re talking about — why else would they be called analysts?) Even TechCrunch prophet MG Siegler, who never publishes purely speculative and completely unsubstantiated information, says it’s probably true.

As such, we should expect to see the iPhone launching on Verizon’s network nine to 14 times over the next (and the previous) 24 months. Please prepare accordingly, lest you be left behind leading a nonmagical and unrevolutionized (though perhaps somewhat more functional) technological life.

In related news, analysts are now predicting they’ll make more meaningless but confidently asserted Verizon-iPhone predictions sometime in the next quarter, or possibly late next year.

(Yoda iPhone image courtesy of TheFrogman.me)

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  • xarophti

    I see you've read the WSJ article, which was written jaw-droppingly badly. I doubled-checked the URL to make sure I was really on WSJ.com as I wasn't one of the people familiar with the matter… By the way, the New York Times has jumped on this latest rumor bandwagon as well.

  • Extrakidney

    so let me get this straight, apple has figured out that there are two networks and that the iPhone is not being sold on one of them because, as an analyst might rightly point out, the phone is not compatible with that other network. Genius, absolutely f’in awesome. I wonder how long it took Verizone to get a meeting to explain why their sales were so poor to W(tf)SJ