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Sex Survey Reveals Americans’ Sauciest Secrets

Researchers have released the results from America’s biggest sex survey to date — and there are more than a few steamy surprises inside.

By (@doctorsmartass)

October 4, 2010

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Dr. SmartassAs eSarcasm’s resident faux-medical expert, my good readers, it’s my responsibility to keep you abreast of the latest and greatest news from the science community.

As a self-diagnosed promiscuous pervert, it’s also my responsibility to cover primarily topics of a fleshly nature.

Lucky for us, these two important responsibilities are meeting in the middle this fine week. Yes, my virtual patients, your dear doc is pleased to bring you the results of what’s being called the “largest and latest survey of sexual behavior” in America.

(Speaking of being the largest in America, by the by, you may want to see my recent analysis entitled “The State of the American Schlong.” Unless, of course, you’re scared to see how you really stack up.)

But enough dilly-dallying — onto our scientific findings: The saucy new study, conducted by Indiana University in Bloomington, involves interviews with 6,000 people ranging in age from 14 (yowza) to 94 (double yowza). Your trusty Dr. S knows you don’t have the time to read through 50 bazillion pages about blowjobs and bondage, so here’s an awards-show-style summary of the study’s most titillating findings:

  • Best out-of-context quote: “If you’re interested in experimentation, sooner or later you get to the anus.”

    Coincidentally, this is also inscribed on the door to your dear doc’s office. (Yes, the back door — thanks for asking.)

  • Sex Survey: Female OrgasmBest reason to get creative: Women are more likely to have an orgasm if their partner uses multiple techniques, the study says.

    How many techniques, you might be wondering? The more, the merrier: Only 54 percent of women who get plainly pounded say they’re satisfied. Eighty-nine percent of women who had at least five different sex acts in their last encounter, meanwhile, report reaching the Big O. And that’s a big difference.

  • Best argument for exploring orifices: Most couples, the study says, don’t stick to one activity alone — nor do they stick to one opening in particular. “Vaginal intercourse is still the most common sexual act but many sexual events do not involve intercourse,” the author explains.

    The study cites 41 (yes, 41) different acts that routinely take place in private quarters. Better start getting busy.

  • Most compelling new evidence that men are clueless: Eighty-five percent of men interviewed said their ladyfriends climaxed the last time they got coital. So how many women actually did have an orgasm during their most recent intercourse? Sixty-four percent, according to the gals.

    Amazingly, there seemed to be very little confusion about how frequently the men’s orgasms occurred.

  • Sex Survey: Gay ButtonThe friendliest statistic: Thirteen percent of men and 11 percent of women said they had sex with a “friend” at their most recent encounter. Zero percent of those people, Dr. S assumes, were sleeping with a spouse.
  • The queerest discovery of all: Only 7 percent of men say they’re gay or bisexual — but as many as 15 percent of guys say they’ve been serviced by another man, and 10 percent say they’ve been on the performing end of a male-oral equation. Mamma Mia! That’s a mouthful.
  • The most encouraging news regarding rear delivery: The number of lovers open to back door action is soaring, the study finds. Around 40 percent of people have gone down the anal road, according to the report — almost double the number who admitted to it back in the early 90s. When it comes to women, a fifth of gals say they’d accepted a back door delivery by the time they turned 19.
  • The most myth-busting stat: The majority of teens aren’t getting laid, our survey indicates. Only 2 percent of 14-year-olds and 40 percent of 17-year-old males report dipping their wicks within the past year. And we can safely assume at least half of those clowns were either (a) flat-out lying or (b) referring to their right hands as “sexual partners.”
  • And speaking of dishonest answers: Only 60 percent of guys told the researchers they’d whacked it in the past month. It doesn’t take a fake online doctor to diagnose this as BS.
  • Female MasturbationFinally, the finding most likely to cause rampant male masturbation: Nearly half of all girls in their 20s say they’ve explored the act of self-pleasure within the last 30 days. Come on, fellas: Join me in giving these gals a hand. Not that they need any help with that — clearly.

  In the world of sex, almost anything goes,
  The wildest action isn’t only for hoes.
  So grab a partner, and get ready to boff,
  And for Christ’s sake, guys, just admit you wank off.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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