Alternate Reality

Inside Steve Jobs’ Magical, Life-Changing Mansion

Steve Jobs is building a mansion as only he can. What will the Apple CEO’s iHouse look like? We have the inside scoop.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 1, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

After years of wrangling with state and local authorities, Steve Jobs has finally received approval to demolish the historic Jackling mansion in Woodside, California, and erect his own Jobsian manor. Gizmodo has revealed the basic floorplan and spartan/Zen aesthetic of the joint, but it’s a little short on the details.

Leave it to us to fill in the rest. Want to know what it’s like to live life as a Jobs? Here’s a virtual tour inside the iHouse.

* Apple Inside. Naturally, the entire house will be driven by Apple products. For example the interior doors will employ FaceTime and Apple’s patented hand recognition technology, enabling them to operate only while Steve or members of his family are present. We understand they will open with a satisfying "whoosh!" just like on Star Trek.

* The Zen Room. A serene space decorated completely in white and empty save for a single zofu cushion, this is where Steve can mediate on his essential Steveness and contemplate the best ways to make the world a more Stevelike place.

* Aviary. This enclosed space on the estate grounds will house a variety of song birds from around the globe. Before being allowed access, however, each bird must submit an application and wait to be approved.

* Walls of Sound. Pre-recorded music will follow visitors as they move from room to room, but only songs from The Beatles collection. Steve initially wanted to have this music played live 24/7 by the two surviving moptops, but Sir Paul McCartney balked at the request. Ringo, however, was happy to oblige.

* The iDungeon. A subterranean space deep below ground level, this room is also known as the Gray Powell Guest House, named for the Apple engineer who lost that prototype iPhone 4 in a bar last March and has not been seen since.

* The Organ Room. This hermetically sealed clean room will house vats of vitreous fluid inside which Jobs-compatible human organs are grown. This will replace the previous human donor room, which had been stocked with replacement parts volunteered by Apple fan boys.

* The Other Organ Room. This room houses a fully restored 16th century pipe organ obtained from a castle in Germany’s black forest. Apparently Steve is a huge fan of Gregorian Chorales. (Who knew?)

* The Lap Pool. Steve doesn’t swim but he may occasionally walk across the water’s surface, just to prove he can. The pool will be maintained by longtime family friend Kato Kaelin.

* Panic Room. Accessible via hidden trap doors in every room of the house, this windowless, concrete-lined bunker gives Steve a place to hide when neighbor Larry Ellison drops by unexpectedly.

* The iToilet. The Jobs manse will feature six bathrooms all running running the iPhone/iPad operating system, with fully automated toilets, swipe-to-wipe functionality, and of course, fart apps. However, these toilets will only be used by other family members and guests. Steve does not excrete in the manner normally associated with humans; everything that leaves his body goes into building magical, life-changing products.

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