Test: Do You Qualify For Web Addiction Boot Camp?
Dozens of Chinese teens are being sent to a military-like boot camp for Web addiction. Would you qualify for admission?
Hi, my name is JR, and I’m a Web addict.
Whew…good to get that off my chest. The first step, they say, is admitting you have a problem. If you’re a teenager in China, the next step might be getting dragged off in the middle of the night to an intensive three-month-long boot camp built to break your obsession.
Not that you have a problem. Of course not.
China’s Web addiction boot camp actually takes place on an army base in Beijing. The teens sent there spend nearly every waking hour on the Web, the camp’s founder says, and see their offline lives deteriorate as a result.
The boot camp has a checklist of symptoms it looks for to see if someone is dependent enough on DSL to warrant a spot. Our Chinese is admittedly rough*, but here’s what we were able to interpret:
- Upon meeting someone of the opposite sex, subject simply states: “Hi, asl?”
- In place of laughter, subject utters “LOL,” or “colon, dash, right-parenthesis.”
- All real in-person confrontations end with subject walking away while mumbling something about his blog, a moderator, and the word “n00b.”
- Subject performs entirely too well on a one-handed typing test.
Anyone showing at least three symptoms, according to the documents, is advised to contact the boot camp immediately for admission. Either that, or hit the goddamned power off button and go get himself laid.
*We do not speak or read any Chinese whatsoever. However, we’re pretty sure these translations are accurate.
Keep up with JR Raphael on Twitter (@jr_raphael) or via jrstart.com.
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