Alternate Reality

How the AOL-TechCrunch Merger Will Change Life As We Know It

An aging Internet giant has swallowed the Web’s leading source of tech news, rumors and innuendo. What will the newly merged company look like? eSarcasm has the inside scoop.

By (@eSarcasm)

September 29, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Calling it the “greatest deal since we bought Time Warner back in 2000 and Steve Case totally ass-reamed Gerald Levin”* Aol. CEO Tim Armstrong announced his company’s intent to purchase TechCrunch yesterday for a reported $25 to $40 million.

[Full disclosure: eSarcasm also made a bid for TechCrunch, but it was ultimately rejected. We even upped our offer to 5 mostly unopened cases of Laffy Taffy. We also threatened to post disturbingly realistic photos of Michael Arrington pleasuring a camel on the InterWebs. But they wouldn’t budge.]

Whether you call it AolCrunch or Techmerica Online, the newly conjoined company will be a different beast than we’re used to, combining aspects from each company’s rich and sordid history. Sources knowledgeable with the deal have offered us an inside glimpse at what will happen. Here are some of the changes in store:

• The TechCrunch name will now sport pointless and confusing non-alphanumeric characters, just like Aol. and Y!ahoo! Meet the new T!ech&CrÛnch#

• Aol. will commission a series of new logos featuring images of Michael Arrington (right). These will be used to discipline wayward children and extract confessions from terror suspects.

• Thanks to the fact that Aol. and Mashable employ the same content-rehashing drones, Mashable will be able to streamline its process of regurgitating everything TechCrunch publishes. That means slightly different versions of TC stories will now appear on Mashable within four minutes rather than seven.

• As part of the terms of the deal, Aol. will gain joint custody of Robert Scoble. Don’t worry, though: He’ll still provide virtual fellatio to Arrington…just only on a biweekly basis.

• Arrington will begin filing more reports with TMZ, effective immediately. So watch your back, innocent PR reps — the Arringtonian smackdown may hit you next.

• Aol. will distribute 4,000,000,000,000 discs offering 500 hours of free access to TechCrunch. Fortunately, most of Aol.’s subscribers are suffering from senile dementia and won’t realize TechCrunch is already free.

• With all the added free time on his hands, Arrington will be able to focus more on his nonwork-related hobbies. You know, like publishing 74,000-word soliloquies about his lost luggage.

• Aol. will also continue to charge $23.95 a month for those who prefer reading TechCrunch at 56 kilobits per second. The first 100 users to sign up will receive a free 1200-baud modem.

• TechCrunch pissant douchebag teen sensation writer MG Siegler will now be known simply as “Mg.” (with the period at the end). Hey, if you want to work for Aol., you do things the Aol. way.

• TechCrunch will continue its youth internship program, but will now draw candidates from the Aol. employee daycare facility.

• Aol. will share TechCrunch’s patented AutoRumor and AlwaysRight algorithms with other properties such as Engadget and TMZ, offering them greater access to unsubstantiated rumors and invisible confidants.

• Aol will come out with the AolPad. This will look very much like the late unlamented CrunchPad, but will actually will be a feminine hygiene product.

• Michael Arrington will offer classes in journalistic ethics to employees of AOL’s Seed content factory. Barf bags will be recommended.

• Aol. will become even more of a joke than it was before. (If that’s possible.)

* Technically, he didn’t actually say that. But deep down we know that’s what he meant.

Top Photo: Bloomberg, via The Telegraph.

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