Alternate Reality

eSarcasm in Late-Stage Negotiations to Snatch TechCrunch Away From Aol!

As Aol! edges closer to acquiring the Web’s #1 site for unsubstantiated rumors, a white knight has emerged. Yes, that would be us. Who did you expect, T. Boone Pickens?

By (@eSarcasm)

September 28, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Aol! is gunning to acquire TechCrunch, for reasons only its metrosexual CEO Tim Armstrong can fathom, but the one-time Web giant isn’t alone in its quest.

A new contender has emerged for the hand of Michael Arrington’s bastard offspring, eSarcasm has learned — eSarcasm.

As negotiations between Armstrong and TC’s Heather Hardie were drawing to a close, eSarcasm made a last-minute bid to match any offer AOL makes, plus all the spare change it can find between the cushions of the couch in the women’s lavatory and three mostly unopened boxes of Laffy Taffy.

Sources familiar with the negotiations say that TechCrunch — whose founder, Michael Arrington, is known to have a weakness for the sticky yet delicious sweetmeat — is seriously considering the offer.

"There’s only one site on the Web that’s published more complete and utter bullshit than we have, and its initials are TC," says eSarcasm co-founder JR Raphael. "Merging TechCrunch and eSarcasm would be a marriage made in heaven, only with slightly less vigorous postnuptial bumpin’."

eSarcasm has been on the verge of acquiring TechCrunch on at least three other occasions, though two of those offers were made via imaginary friends who also, as it turns out, were primary sources for many of TechCrunch’s biggest stories.

Through a spokesperson, AOL vowed to fight on. "We will not be deterred in our quest to do for TechCrunch what we’ve done for Weblogs Inc, Bebo and all the other properties we paid far too much for and then whittled away to nothing," he or she said.

One can only hope.

Photo: TC Disrupt on Flickr.

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