Rants In Our Pants

Top 5 Reasons Apple Wants to Recognize Your Hands

Apple’s filed a patent for a new device that’d identify you by your hands. We have a few theories about what the company might really be up to.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 27, 2010

Apple HandIf there’s one thing Apple loves more than being magical, it’s being patented. Steve Jobs and co. file patents more frequently than Katy Perry shows cleavage — believe us, we’re keeping track — and sometimes, the rights they claim can be pretty entertaining.

The Cupertino crew’s latest patent isn’t as outrageous as some we’ve seen, but we find it intriguing nevertheless. Apple, according to Engadget, is working on new technology that’d allow a device to identify someone “just by the way [she] holds it.” (We once tried inventing a similar system for our wangs, by the way, but it never quite worked right.)

Engadget theorizes that Apple’s goal is to recognize users based on their grips, then adjust their devices’ settings accordingly. We, however, think Jobsy might have something more sinister up his turtleneck sleeves.

That brings us to our top 5 reasons Apple really wants to recognize your hands. Are you ready?

5. To prevent you from using its devices if you’re the kind of person who looks at porn. How, you might wonder? Easy: The system doesn’t just identify your hands — it also identifies where they’ve been.

4. To root out the rebels who dare mess with the magical experience that is iOS. Wanna jailbreak your iPhone, buddy? That’s cool. But prepare to die.

3. Being a god-like figure can get lonely. All those identified hands make Steve feel connected with his followers.

2. If Apple can recognize users by their hands, it can keep unworthy jackholes from using its products. You know, the kind of unworthy jackholes who mock Apple products on mildly amusing geek-humor Web sites.

1. Apple doesn’t really want to recognize your hands — this was all one big misunderstanding. Steve was actually just trying to patent his college nickname, “Steve ‘Hand’ Jobs.”

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