Alternate Reality

Steve Jobs Obtains Restraining Order Against Journalism Student

Apple has asked a court to stop 22-year-old journalism student and former hand model Chelsea Kate Isaacs from harassing its CEO via email. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 18, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Saying this harassment will not stand, Apple has asked a court to issue a temporary restraining order prohibiting Long Island University journalism student Chelsea Kate Isaacs from pummeling CEO Steve Jobs with emails, eSarcasm has learned.

The 22-year-old Ms. Isaacs, a student at Long Island University and former hand model, wrote a lengthy missive to Mr. Jobs last Thursday, asking why Apple’s media relations department was ignoring her many requests to answer questions for a paper she was writing:

Mr. Jobs, I humbly ask why Apple is so wonderfully attentive to the needs of students … and yet, ironically, the Media Relations Department fails to answer any of my questions which are, as I have repeatedly told them, essential to my academic performance.

Ms. Isaacs, a "renowned college journalist, artist and social fixture" with "an extremely evolved sense of the human psyche" according to multiple self-composed biographies, also asked if Apple could also help program her iPhone’s speed dial list, as she’d just had her nails done and was having trouble working the touchscreen with her nose.

Mr. Jobs, who suffers from sporadic email response syndrome (SERS), replied to several of Ms. Isaac’s emails, saying "Our goals do not include helping you get a good grade," "We have over 300 million users and we can’t respond to their requests unless they involve a problem of some kind," and finally "Please leave us alone."

After Ms. Isaacs took her case to Gawker, exposing the email string, Apple filed for an order prohibiting Ms. Isaacs from sucking on the tit of public attention by further pestering the Apple CEO.

Ms. Isaacs denied allegations that she is a publicity whore, and offered to sit for extensive interviews and photo sessions with anyone who wished to discuss the issue. For the right exposure, she also offered to demonstrate precisely why she was named "1998’s most desirable hand model in the United States and Canada" by somebody on Wikipedia.

The Society for Professional Journalists and the American Society of Magazine Editors have filed friend-of-the-court briefs on Ms. Issac’s behalf, demanding that if Apple’s PR department ends up answering her questions it might also get around to the other 10,823,409 requests it has been ignoring since 1997.

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