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Exclusive: The 25 Worst Geek Pickup Lines of All Time

Not that we would ever try using one one of these. But in case you’re ever tempted, remember: Nobody ever got laid after saying any of these things. Trust us.

By (@eSarcasm)

September 17, 2010

Yes, we know. It’s a jungle out there, especially if you’re single and looking for a little companionship. But desperate times do not necessarily call for desperate measures. Saying the wrong thing may blow your one chance at getting laid this decade.

If you find yourself in a bar getting come-hither looks from an attractive member of your species, do not under any circumstances say the following:

1. Unlike Steve Jobs, I don’t care how you hold it, as long as you hold it.

2. You’ve seen the man, now meet the legend.

3. After months of stalking you on Facebook I never dreamed we’d actually meet.

4. Hey, this thing isn’t gonna suck itself you know.

5. I was just named Mayor of Gonorrhea on Foursquare.

6. I was voted “prettiest mouth” by the other inmates at Tehachapi. Kiss me.

7. I’ve been free from lesions for almost a week.

8. I’d love to bring you home to meet my mother. You have the exact same taste in lingerie.

9. Let me stick my sound card into your PCI slot and we’ll make beautiful MIDI music together.

10. I’m getting out a lot more these days since Craigslist stopped running those ads.

11. Come back to my place and I’ll show you how long my battery lasts, if you know what I mean.

12. You know, that "To Catch a Predator" guy is much shorter in person. 

11. My penis is so large it can be viewed from space. No really, I have satellite photos.

14. Baby you are hot. I haven’t been this turned on since my last conjugal visit.

15. I don’t care what anybody else says, you’re not even close to morbidly obese.

16. Wanna come over and see my Web site? And by "Web site" I mean "vibrating clit ring."

17. My ChatRoulette nickname is “Der Weinerschnitzel.”

18. If I could do that I’d never leave the house. Actually, I never do leave the house.

19. I’ve got a hard drive a terabyte wide, and it’s all yours baby.

20. Now that the temporary restraining order has been lifted, we can finally be together.

22. I may have only had sex with one woman, but I’ve poked like 250 girls on Facebook.

23. Are those your real breasts? May I touch them, just to make sure?

24. I may be a scruffy little dweeb who dresses like a 14-year-old and smells like Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup but I’m worth $15 billion on paper, bitch.*

25. Hi, my name’s Michael Arrington.

* This only works for Mark Zuckerberg

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