Alternate Reality

Apple Announces Magical and Revolutionary ‘iKill’

Those throwing stars Steve Jobs snuck into his luggage were no novelty items — they were Apple’s latest life-changing product.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Following reports that Steve Jobs tried to carry ninja-style throwing stars onto a plane, Apple has taken the wraps off its latest life-changing product: a sleek and remarkable weapon called the iKill.

Apple iKillApple had planned to announce the item at a special event in January but decided to bump up the launch because of the widespread coverage.

Jobs, according to Bloomberg and other publications, was recently stopped at Kansai International Airport in Japan after security officials found the throwing stars in his luggage. The Apple CEO reportedly intended to bring them onto his private plane.

The weapons, it turns out, were final prototypes from an Osaka-based supplier.

“The iKill is a magical and revolutionary assassination tool at an unbelievable price,” Apple said in a prepared statement.

“It’s a beautiful and truly amazing interface. We think our users are really going to love it,” the company added.

The iKill will be available in a basic edition and an Internet-enabled model that records and transmits successful strikes via AT&T’s 3G network. The basic version will retail for $149.99. The Internet-enabled model will sell for $299.99 and require a two-year contract from AT&T.

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