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Mark Zuckerberg: The Early Years

What was Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg like as a child? A sweaty sheep-throwing computer prodigy, a hopeless dweeb, and a complete dick. Here’s the untold story. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Much is being written these days about Mark Zuckerberg, the rich kid turned even richer kid who stole the idea for founded Facebook. Jose Antonio Vargas has written a kid-gloves portrait of the hoodie-wearing 26-year-old billionaire on paper in the current issue of the New Yorker. A somewhat less friendly portrayal of Zucky – David Fincher’s film The Social Network — will be coming to a multiplex near you on October 1.

But what’s missing from all of these accounts is the story of Mark Zuckerberg’s formative early years. eSarcasm has uncovered the real story behind the events that made Zucky what he is today. Here are some of the highlights.

May 14, 1984: A child is born to Karen and Edward Zuckerberg of Dobbs Ferry, New York. Desperate for a place to post the news, the young couple drive around town stapling birth announcements to telephone poles with little upward-pointing thumbs on them.

October 1984: Zuckie’s first hoodie. Made from an expanding synthetic fiber developed by NASA, Mark continues to wear it to the present day.

January 1985: Picks up a stuffed toy sheep and flings it out of his crib. An idea begins to germinate.

August 1988: Diagnosed with Neurosis sweatosis, a disease that causes young Zuck to perspire uncontrollably when he is nervous – which is to say, while awake. To compensate, Karen Zuckerberg sews sanitary napkins into the lining of his hoodie.

February 1989: A coding prodigy, Zuckerberg writes his first software program: a database that tracks which students have pooped their pants. Potty-or-Naughty becomes a runaway hit among the kindergarten crowd.

May 1990: He is sued by two fifth graders, who accuse him of stealing the idea for Potty-or-Naughty. Zuckerberg ultimate settles with the pair for two Mark McGwire baseball cards and a box of Jujubes.

November 1992: Zuck is suspended from school for showing up in a T-shirt that reads “I’m the hopeless dweeb who peeked under your skirt while crawling under my desk pretending to look for my crayons, bitch.”

1993 to 1998: Endures a series of humiliating nicknames, including Zuckface, Zuckhead, Zuckwad, cockZucker, Zucknuts, ZuckMeDry, Zucktard, that annoying little motherZucker, and MicroPenis. Most of these are bestowed by his father.

December 1996: Borrows lunch money from several students, fails to pay it back. Later he is caught passing a note in class reading: “I don’t know why they trust me. Dumb f*cks.”

June 1999: Enjoys first sexual experience behind the stables at the Philips Exeter Academy polo grounds.  Afterward he vows to one day repeat that experience with another person.

April 2000: Suffers a locker room wedgie delivered with such force that it remains intact until his sophomore year at Harvard.

September 2001: Volunteers for the school yearbook at Exeter. Quits two weeks later and starts his own competing publication, called theYearbook. Later he sues the publishers of the Philips Exeter yearbook, claiming ownership of the words “year” and “book.”

June 2002: Graduates from Exeter. Voted “Most Likely to Take a Yoga Class Just So He Can Learn How to Fellate Himself” by his classmates.

September 2002: Enters Harvard.

And the rest, as they say in Hollywood, is history.

Tune in to eSarcasm for more coverage of The Social Network later this month.

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