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Interview With The Spermatozoa

The first artificial male reproductive cell has been created by UK researchers. We had a chance to sit down and chat with the sperm they call Ivy Dee.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 29, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Ivy Dee, the SpermatozoaResearchers at England’s Newcastle University achieved a scientific first recently by creating the first human spermatozoa in a laboratory. By coaxing human stem cells to split in two via meiosis, they were able to produce what they call In-Vitro Derived (IVD) sperm.

However, some scientists have questioned the validity of IVD sperm, while others worry this discovery could lead to the beginning of lab-based baby farms.

[Note: That paper was recently withdrawn from the journal Stem Cell and Development due to concerns over plagiarism. Researchers say they’ll resubmit the paper to another journal as soon as they’ve had a chance to nap and get their mojo back. Ivy Dee’s response follows at the end of this interview.]

We had an chance to sit down with Ivy Dee and ask him some questions. Here’s our exclusive interview with the first artificial human spermatozoa.

e: Thanks for joining us.

No sweat.

e: And welcome to Earth. What’s are your immediate plans?

Like most guys, the first thing I like to do when I hit a new town is try to get a little tail. That’s an old sperm joke. My tail is already fully grown and highly motile. And though they say size doesn’t matter, let me you….Godzilla only dreams of a tail like mine.

e: But seriously, now that you’re here, what’s on your agenda?

Considering that just by showing up I’ve made the entire male race obsolete, I think that’s a pretty good accomplishment for my first day on the job. So I’m planning to kick back for a while, go for a swim, relax. I might run a few errands, maybe stop by the bank and make a deposit.

Just between you and me, I’m hoping to put the whole zygote thing off for as long as spermily possible, you know what I mean? The last thing I need is a bunch of whiny blastocytes running around the petri dish.

e: You realize that under UK law you’re prohibited from fertilizing an actual egg, right?

Yeah right. Birds fly, fish swim, and monkeys climb trees. No law on earth is gonna stop any of that from happening. A sperm’s gotta do what a sperm’s gotta do. You know what I’m sayin’?

e: Some scientists are claiming you’re not “authentic sperm” because you lack certain genetic characteristics. How do you respond to that?

What a load of crap. I mean, do I look fake to you? They’re just jealous because they didn’t get to me first. The pussies. I’m as authentic as anything swimming around inside their pruney little manbags.

e: You are the first of your kind. Does that hold any special meaning for you? Do you feel an enhanced sense of responsibility?

I suppose you could look at me as a role model. On the other hand, I’m really just one of about 10 gazillion gazillion male sperm on the planet, all with one thing on their minds. I just got here a little differently, that’s all.

Seriously, I’m just happy I didn’t end up in a tissue somewhere. That would have been just a bit – wait for it – anti-climactic. Thank you, thank you very much.

e: No, thank you.


UPDATE: After news of the paper’s premature withdrawal hit the wires, we contacted Ivy and asked for a comment. Here’s what he had to say.

“My response? Plagiarize this, you dickwads. I always thought those turds in lab coats were a little dicey. But make no mistake. I am no copy. I am the real deal. I am Ivy Dee: Fertile, Motile, and coming to a Zygote near you.”

Photo: ToysRevil blog

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