Hello, I’m the Mayor of Gonorrhea
You can now earn Foursquare badges for getting STD tests, so why stop there? eSarcasm is proud to offer a new line of Foursquare sex badges, including the SlutScout and the Back Door Master.
Getting a swab shoved up your schwanz may soon become a mark of honor.
Thanks to a new initiative by MTV, you can now earn Foursquare badges for taking your tubesteak to the doctor. That’s right: Heading in to a health clinic after you score will score you the meaningless but somehow appealing “GYT: Get Yourself Tested” distinction. (It might also relieve that burning you’ve been experiencing in your fun zone, but that’s nothing new.)
MTV hopes the Foursquare reward program will encourage young people to get tested for STDs more regularly and without feeling shame. In explaining the program, MTV’s general manager — who is apparently oblivious to double entendres — said: “It only takes a few to get the ball rolling.”
We here at eSarcasm want to do our part to get the ball rolling as well. Effective immediately, we’ll be offering the following badges to help encourage safer sexual activity:
SlutScout: Help a drunk slut home from a bar without violating her and earn this honor.
Safe Sexter: Getting it on through your phone may be the best form of protection (just make sure you’ve signed up for your carrier’s liquid protection plan). Ten successful sexting sessions will let you snag this exclusive eSarcasm badge.
3X Orgy: Just finished a three-way with two complete strangers? Good onya, mate. Now go brag about it before the lesions start to appear.
Back Door Captain: If you don’t know how to earn it, you don’t deserve it.
Goatse Farmer: For those who like things gaping wide and ready for anything. Just make sure you don’t fall in.
Wrapper Master: Peel on a condom with proper form and watch this snazzy badge explode into your life.
Bulls-eye: When practiced properly, pulling out can decrease the risk of pregnancy. Gentlemen, prepare your cannons — and prepare to win a great new Foursquare badge!
Snipped: Tell the world you’re no longer daddy material with this handsome badge.
Handy Woman: Handjobs are safe jobs. Ladies, give your guy a tug and satisfy yourself with the sight of this badge in your collection.
Full of shATT: Just bought an iPhone or an iPad? Congratulations! You’re about to be screwed by AT&T. Don’t worry, the risk of genital warts is low.
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