Alternate Reality

Breaking: Apple to Unveil Nothing of Importance

Sources reveal the company is completely tapped out of magical life-changing ideas, but is holding a Special Event today anyway because it craves the attention.

By (@tynanwrites)

September 1, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple is holding yet another Special Event today, but most observers don’t expect it to be very special.

In fact, eSarcasm has learned that the Cupertino consumer electronics giant, which prides itself on redefining life as we know it every six to twelve months, is not planning to introduce any new products today.

However, as an inducement to get people to come, Apple will be handing out NetFlix gift certificates and selling classic episodes of "The Tony Danza Show" for 99 cents apiece.

"Mostly we just want to bring people together so they can talk about their iPhones and iPads and stuff," said one confidential Apple source. "Steve no longer lets us off the campus, so it’s our only chance to meet new people."

Sources say Apple CEO Steve Jobs has fully recovered from a bizarre incident last month in which he was attacked in broad daylight by a giant red arrow.

Though Jobs will not be unveiling new products, he will be on hand to demonstrate the correct ways of holding an iPhone, discuss his favorite Android porn apps, and elaborate further on how much Adobe Flash sucks dick. He will also accept questions via email, provided he can answer them in 11 words or less.

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