Alternate Reality

Notice: You Are Hereby Being Sued By Facebook

Facebook is suing everyone in sight, it seems — and you might be next. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

August 30, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Facebook LawsuitsWell, well. It looks like Apple isn’t the only company that thinks it owns the rights to everything.

Facebook, if you haven’t heard, is trying to trademark the word “face.” Already, Zuckerberg and friends have been going after businesses with “face” or “book” in their names, slapping such sites as teacher networking service Teachbook with court-issued complaints (all while pounding their chests and yawping). If those yahoos actually manage to secure the “face” trademark, there’ll be no end to the laughable legal battles.

Don’t believe us? eSarcasm has obtained documents from Facebook’s headquarters detailing a series of lawsuits already in the works. For example…

  • Facebook is suing Google. Damn it, only one company should be able to piss off privacy advocates on a biweekly basis.
  • Facebook is suing the library. Uh, hello — books?
  • Facebook is suing penises worldwide. All that “poking” definitely infringes on something.
  • Facebook is suing Paris Hilton. Too much usage of the word “like” (the trademark is pending).
  • Facebook LawsuitFacebook is suing Perez Hilton. Not for any reason, really — just because he’s an annoying little twit.
  • Facebook is suing MySpace. Because space rhymes with face and my rhymes with thigh. Hey, it’s as good a reason as any of the others.
  • Facebook is suing Craigslist. Apparently, they also want to get into the prostitution Adult Services business.
  • Facebook is suing Zynga. Because even they are sick to death of all those goddamned Farmville updates.
  • Facebook is suing TechCrunch. Those fuckers haven’t run an unsubstantiated story about Facebook buying/being bought/issuing an IPO in weeks.
  • Facebook is suing Twitter. Just as soon as they figure out how to squeeze a cease-and-desist letter into 140 characters.
  • Facebook is suing you. Stop referring to your face as a “face” or get ready to pay up, sucker.

The only reason Facebook is not suing adult “dating” site Fuckbook? It’s simple: That’s the one place where Mark Zuckerberg can actually get laid.

CONTINUE READING: Are You a Certified Facebook Douche?

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  • Madhamish

    You called Perez Hilton “an annoying little twit”, shouldn't that be “twat”? Check English colloquium for clarity.