Alternate Reality

Source: Google Phone to Interact Directly With Your Brain

Think Michael Arrington’s new Google Phone rumor is hot stuff? Just wait till you see what we dug up about the device.

By (@jr_raphael)

November 18, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Google Phone: Michael ArringtonRumors of an upcoming Google-branded Android phone are gaining fresh momentum, thanks to a new report by the always-reliable Michael Arrington. Arrington, in a story posted Tuesday night at TechCrunch, claims “the Google Phone is very real, and it’s coming soon.” And if TechCrunch says it, you know it has to be true.

Despite Arrington’s reputation for reliable reporting, we decided to do a little digging of our own. But we never expected to find what we did.

Our Google Phone Discovery

Not only did our sources* confirm that the Google Phone is, in fact, under development — they also revealed that the device will include a groundbreaking new system that will interact directly with your brain.

“This thing will, quite literally, blow your mind,” a person close to the project tells eSarcasm. “It’ll without question become the most controversial product Google’s ever developed.”

Google Phone: gAmygdalaThe phone’s in-brain technology, called gAmygdala, is described as an “Internet-connected electronic thought platform.” After being installed through an ad-supported neurosurgical procedure, the system will allow you to gain extensive controls over your amygdala-based brain functioning. It’ll do so by synchronizing your temporal lobe with the Google Phone interface, thereby connecting all memory and emotional activity directly to your Google account.

eSarcasm obtained what appears to be an early draft of Google’s gAmygdala announcement, set to be posted to the Google Blog upon the phone’s release. The document confirms what our sources describe:

“We know you want more control over your brain functioning. With gAmygdala, you’ll be able to do all the fun things you love, without the hassle.”

Google Phone Control

The blog goes on to describe a gAmygdala System Panel (GASP) that’ll let you customize how emotional responses are triggered. Using your Gmail contacts list, the document says, you’ll be able to create filters for specific individuals or groups of people. And, with the Google Phone’s integrated GPS system, GASP will even allow you to enable or disable certain emotional responses based on your location — no irritation at your workplace, for example, or no post-coital crying while in the bed of your sexually inadequate lover.

gAmygdala System Panel

gAmygdala appears to be poised to create a permanent, searchable record of your thoughts and memories. Google is said to be finalizing a detailed privacy policy that will disclose information about contextual advertising opportunities and outline other ways the in-brain data may be used.

The gAmygdala-enabled Google Phone will reportedly be released early next year. Then again, the industry-changing CrunchPad was supposed to be out a couple of months ago, so don’t hold your breath.

*We should note that our sources were actually two homeless guys who sleep a few blocks away from the Googleplex, and the internal document was something they’d scribbled on a semi-used napkin. But we figure it’s probably about as reliable as the information TechCrunch came across.






Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter

Comments