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Avoid the Condoms, Stick With the Barley Loaf

What do contraception, male love juice, John Madden and barley loaves have in common? We were hoping you could tell us. Join us for a long strange trip into our reader mailbag.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 28, 2010

When you run the world’s leading site for geek humor*, you get reader letters. Oh, how you get letters.

Some are from PR people who want us to cover their products. (Memo to our friends in the PR community: You don’t want us to cover your products. Trust us on this.)

Some are from people who go on at some length about their porn addictions. Some contain nude photos (Yes, Jon B., we’re talking to you.) Some are from delightfully underclad women seeking to share the naughty details of their intimate lives for only $29.95 a month, billed discreetly to our credit cards. (We had to cut up Dr. Smartass’s Amex card a few months back.)

But this one, well, this one is special. We’re not sure what native tongue(s) he/she normally writes in, but English probably isn’t in the top five. Still, we felt compelled to share it with the world.

Here it is in its entirety. We apologize in advance.

HURT OF CONDOM
WHICH USED AS CONTRACEPTIVE
TO PREVENT PRAGNANCY IN
WOMEN

(Because when women become pragnant, you have to deprag them. That can get messy.)

_______________________
When the man using
CONDOMS
As contraceptive the woman
Become mad and crazy.
this duo to the semen of
Man is remaining In the CONDOMS
And it was not ejaculated and dropping in
Vagina of women there is not sweet taste for
Sex meeting .
Like that you are drinking tea or coffee with out
Sugar the coffee or tea is not sweet it is bitter.
Semen
Of man is like Sugar it make the coitus and
Sex meeting sweet to woman

(We hear ya. We like nothing better than to start our day with a little extra cream in our coffee, if you know what we mean. Don’t usually pour it into CONDOMS first though.)

The sex meeting
Sweet With out
CONDOMS
When man is not Using
CONDOMS
In sex meeting with woman the
Semen of man will Ejaculated and dropping and
Falling in vagina of Woman then the semen is
Absorbed by vagina wall and inter the blood
Circulation and reached the brain

(We always wondered how semen got into the brain. Thanks for the heads up.)

Then the women mind become in a convenience
Mood and good feeling she is not be a Madden Or Crazy woman

(We can’t tell you how many times a woman we’re dating has fallen out of a convenience mood and — BOOM! — turned into John Madden. That’ll wake you up in a hurry.)

_____________________
ADVICE FOR YOU
_______________________
To good enjoy and pleasure in your sexual live
And good ERECTION of your CLITORIS i give
You this ADVICE
STOP
Practice reading and writing
Because practice reading and writing
Loosening and lowering the SEXUAL ability and power of you.
GO TO LIVE IN Villages and forestry far from cities and towns
Practice READING and WRITING make you unusual
Woman or SADOMITE (SODOMY) women..

(Remember, if you want an ERECT CLITORIS, STOP reading right now. Unless you’re into SADOMY, in which case, kindly bend over.)

_________________________________
SO WE HAVE NEW METHOD FOR
CONTRACEPTION
————————————————————————————————–
BARLEY AS CONTRACEPTIVE AND
SEX TONIC FOR MEN AND WOMEN
___________________________

BREAKFAST
* Barley loaf – bread
* Margarine
* Jam
* Tea or coffee
________________________
LUNCH
* Barley loaf – bread
* Grill ham
* Salad – (Cucumber, celery, Pepper, lettuce(
* Pickly – mayonnaise
* Pepsi cola

______________________________
DINNER
* Barley loaf – bread
* Fried egg in vegetable oil – With out shaking the yolk
* Prawns
* Oyster
* Shrimp
* Salad – ( Cucumber, celery, pepper, lettuce (

(Because once you’ve eaten barley loaf morning, noon, and night, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and wait for your bowels to unclench. Now that’s sexy.) 

___________________________________
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO EAT THE
Following FOOD cause it increase
Fertility in WOMEN and MEN
—————————————–
* RICE
* HONEY
* FRUITS = (DATE – GRAPE – FIG – APPLE -
APRICOT – BANANA – PEACH ……..etc)
* OVINE MEAT (SHEEP)
* BOVINE MEAT (COW)
* FISH
_____________________________________________________
The statistical indication of Successfulness of this method is finding Out in population of CHINA
Cause they depend on RICE since old or ancient times
_______________________________________

And there you have it. China’s population problem is caused by too much rice and fruits, not enough barley and, well, barley. And we thought it was a result of all that fucking. Wrong yet again.

Thanks for writing, and keep all those emails and comments coming. Except for yours, pshelaspee22.

* As determined by the NRBRJHIPB (National Board of Review for Juvenile Humor Involving Pictures of Breasts).






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