Alternate Reality

Tiger Woods’ Divorce Finalized; Elin Gets Custody of Penis

In a surprise move, a divorce court has awarded primary custody of Tiger Woods’ personal putter to newly exed wife Elin Nordegren. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 23, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

After months of negotiations, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren Woods have finalized their divorce, following revelations that the world’s greatest golfer had nailed every two-bit ho west of Greenland engaged in a series of highly publicized affairs.

Terms of the agreement were not disclosed. However eSarcasm has learned the Bay County Circuit Court awarded primary custody of the golfing legend’s genitals to Ms. Nordegren.

The judge ruled that Woods had forfeited his custody rights to Lil Tiger and his two caddies due to his persistent and reckless abuse of the PGA’s Official Rules on the Treatment of Golf Skanks

Mr. Woods will retain visitation rights to his personal putter on alternate weekends, a week between Christmas and New Years, and for three non-consecutive weeks in the summer. However, even then Woods must honor certain restrictions imposed by the court — for example, maintaining a distance of at least 500 yards from any Hooters restaurant.

In related news, the 3,467th woman has come forward to claim that she too has slept with Tiger Woods. The list now includes The Sex Trade Workers Industrial Union local 690, the entire female cast of "Jersey Shore," several girl scout troops, parts of Heidi Montag, and Foxxxy Roxxxy, the world’s first sex robot.

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