Dr. Smartass

Listen, Ladies — Guys Are Easy

Some women make the act of seduction far too difficult. Check out Dr. Smartass’s “10 Ways to Get Any Man to Mate In Minutes Seconds” and see just how simple it can be.

By (@doctorsmartass)

August 9, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassSex, my good readers, is a touchy topic — at least, when you’re doing it right. So when people get too timid about the age-old deed, a gentle nudge in the right direction can go a long way.

Today, your good doc is directing such a nookie-oriented nudge toward the advice-doling dames at Women’s Health, a fine publication written for the fairer gender. My pseudo-medical colleagues there recently answered a woman’s question about how she could initiate sex more often with her gentleman-friend(s).

Their response:

You don’t have to do anything very obvious or over-the-top. … For example, offering to give him a massage when he comes home from work or slowly undressing in front of him as you get ready for bed will likely be enough to arouse his interest.

The WH ladies are right, of course — but your dear Dr. S feels they could be a bit more forward in their coital counsel. So in the spirit of science education, I’ve cobbled together a list of 10 easy ways you can get any man to mate in minutes — nay, seconds. These methods will work on any heterosexual man in practically any circumstance.

First, a warning: It probably goes without saying, but these are very powerful and advanced scientific tactics. Use them with caution.

10 Ways to Get Any Man to Mate In Minutes Seconds

How to Seduce a Man10. Touch his leg.

9. Touch your leg.

8. Show him your breasts. (Guaranteed to generate immediate action 97% of the time.)

7. Say the word “breasts.” (Guaranteed to generate immediate action 96% of the time.)

6. Discuss anything even remotely related to orgasms (man-on-man experimentation excluded).

5. Sigh in a completely nonsexual way that only a sex-obsessed pervert would associate with an orgasmic moan. Don’t worry — he’ll make the association.

4. Tell him about anything you want to do to his penis. It doesn’t have to be sensual — feel free to suggest covering it in peanut butter, for example, or gently poking at it while imitating the call of the Canadian goose.

3. Walk into the room naked. No further steps will be required.

2. Walk into the room fully clothed while holding a sign that says “I WOULD LIKE TO INTERCOURSE YOU.” No further steps will be required.
Carrot Fellatio
1. Simulate the act of fellatio on anything. Yes, anything — a carrot, freshly made shish kabob, whatever. The stranger it seems, the better. Trust the Doc: It will work.


  When it comes to sex, don’t overthink
  It won’t take much to get to his dink.
  We men are easy — so don’t be silly
  Just ask anytime; you can see our willy.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

(Carrot-fellating photo courtesy of MotivatedPhotos.com)

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  • blissconnection

    Hilarious. Especially the ” i want to intercourse” you sign. I love that the nex blog is about bacon. I think bacon also gets guys horny, so maybe your next blog can be about bacon and sex. Thanks to my friend Len for sharing this with me.

  • b_rox

    This will work 99% of the time. However there always is the fat vs alcohol consumtion – closing time equation.

  • If he doesn’t get so defensive, he’s easy.

  • Charlie Knight

    First off, men are not desperate for sex.
    Second, sex is nothing but hard work with nothing to show for it, unless she conceives.
    If she does get pregnant, now you have a bill to pay for the most of your life for the kids actions.
    Why do you think we go to sleep after sex? Maybe we are relieved the stupid thing is now finished.
    From what I seem to be able to gather, women think about sex much more than boys.
    I use those terms as women peak on their sexual drives in the thirty something range.
    Boys seems to peak in late teens and early twenty’s.
    Probably related to life functions. Men do the inseminating and then go to work or war / die.
    Women do the home building and then get “hot” when things are established.
    So, I am one of those guys that you try these tricks on I would just shrug my shoulders,
    reach for a good book, and decide to look at something interesting instead.
    Any probably ask our doctor if there are some pills to give you or slip into your food to correct this crazy notion you have that you need sex. Give her a new dildo and a lifetime supply of batteries.
    Come to think of it, that is a much cheaper and more hassle-free life than marriage.