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25 Ways to Tell If You’re a Hopeless Geek

Have you gone full dweebtard? Hey, it can happen to the best of us. Take our 25-question true or false quiz to find out.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 12, 2010

One day you’re a reasonable normal human being. The next day you’re a hopeless dweeb who spends all day every day tweeting, Facebooking, messing with his iPhone, and writing snarky blog posts (not that we’ve got anyone specific in mind).

It can happen to anyone. Have you transformed into an utterly hopeless, never-gonna-get-laid-again-in-this-lifetime geek? Just take this simple true-or-false quiz to find out.


1. You no longer complain about how slow, buggy, and crash prone your PC is. You now complain about how slow, buggy, and crash prone your smart phone is.

2. You automatically assume every screen is a touch screen, but you have to touch them all just to make absolutely sure.

3. For this and other reasons, you’re now forbidden from entering Best Buy.

4. Your long-time neighbor tells you she’s moving, and you’re really upset because now you’ll need to find another open WiFi connection to “borrow.”

5. Also because she usually kept the curtains open at night.

6. You keep clutching that Apple iPad and waiting for something magical, revolutionary, and life-changing to happen.

7. When nothing magical, revolutionary, or life changing happens, you don’t blame Apple; you assume you were just holding it wrong.

8. You’re bummed Megan Fox ignored your Facebook friend request. Dude, that’s not really Megan, it’s a 400-pound guy in drag.

9. Now you’re worried that even 400-pound guys in drag won’t even friend you.

10. Your idea of roughing it is spending a week without TiVo. (Those things that keep interrupting the program you’re watching? They’re called “commercials.”)

11. Your flight’s on-board WiFi craps out, and you’re thinking about parachuting down to the nearest Starbucks so you can log on.

12. You wear a hoodie 24/7 no matter what the ambient temperature and refuse to take it off, lest someone discover the satanic cult insignia on the inside. Still, you’re 26, a billionaire on paper, and they’re making movies about you, so you must be doing something right.

13. You waited in line for 24 hours and spent hundreds of dollars for the latest greatest iPhone, yet you spend most of your time using it to simulate human flatulence.

14. You get into fist fights over which Ubuntu Linux distro was better, Karmic Koala or Lucid Lynx.

15. You’re bitterly disappointed they rejected your suggestion for the latest Ubuntu distribution, Moronic Marsupial.

16. You get up at 5 AM every day and gaze out the window, hoping the Google Street View camera van will pass by so you can moon it.

17. You met a girl you admired at a bar and tried to click her Like button; now you need $5000 to make bail.

18. You read that Twitter is working on a client that implants directly into your brain and it gives you a woodie. Soon, what’s on Ashton Kutcher’s tiny little mind may also be on yours.

19. You keep telling everyone you bought an Android phone because you just couldn’t abide signing a two-year contract with AT&T, when the real reason was that the Android Market doesn’t ban adult apps. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anybody about your collection of Hentai donkey porn.

20. That 6-megapixel digital camera just isn’t ‘hi-res’ enough for you any more. Hey, if you can’t take those hot bathroom mirror self-pics and blow them up to wall size, what good are they?

21. You can’t sit down without fiddling with your Blackberry under the table. At least, we hope you’re fiddling with your Blackberry. Better wash your hands before eating.

22. Your girlfriend tells you she’s got the clap and you didn’t give it to her, and your first reaction is “I wonder if there’s an app for that.”

23. Somebody cuts you off in traffic and you immediately search your steering wheel for the “Thumbs Down” button.

24. Someone else is named Mayor of McFatty Burgers in Foursquare before you are and you’re depressed for a week.

25. You read eSarcasm and get all the jokes.

If you answered True to any of the above questions, odds are pretty good that you’re a hopeless geek. In fact, even if merely you’ve read this far, we’re afraid there’s no hope for you at all.

(A different version of this story appeared in an alternate universe at PC World.)

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