Alternate Reality

Top 10 Reasons HP’s Board Asked Mark Hurd to Resign

Yes, it’s true — the CEO of the world’s number one computer maker is stepping down due to a sex scandal. But it’s even worse than you think. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 6, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In a shocking development, HP CEO Mark Hurd has resigned at the request of HP’s board, following an investigation into charges of sexual harassment, questionable expense reports, and unethical conduct regarding an illicit relationship with a “marketing contractor” from 2007 to 2009.

eSarcasm has uncovered the top 10 reasons why Hurd was asked to resign. It’s not pretty.

10. Tried to demonstrate HP’s philosophy of “embrace and extend” wearing nothing but flip flops and a sombrero

9. Kept texting naked cell phone pics of his junk to key shareholders to “lift their share price”

8. Liked to spend his downtime dressing up like Carly Fiorina

7. Hired “contractors” to perform “marketing consulting” from the Adults Services section of Craigslist

6. Was caught having a three-way in the executive board room with Steve Ballmer and Carol Bartz

5. Kept submitting expense reports for hookers and blow

4. Tried to lure female HP employees into his office so he could show them his “hostile takeover” techniques

3. It’s just like Brett Favre — you know he’ll unresign again tomorrow

2. Insisted on changing HP’s corporate logos from “Hewlett Packard” to “Hurd’s Penis”

1. Two words: Hooters waitresses.

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