Alternate Reality

Dr. Smartass to Become ‘American Idol’ Judge

Holy Brian Dunkleman, have we got some Idol news for you: Steven Tyler’s out, Dr. S is in. Get ready for a whole new kind of show, kiddos.

By (@JRRaphael)

August 4, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

American Idol Judge Dr. SmartasseSarcasm science and medical correspondent Dr. Smartass will become the newest judge on American Idol, eSarcasm has learned.

Dr. Smartass (nee Stanley L. Dorkus) has made a name for himself as the author of numerous non-award-winning stories on sex, sex, and sex. (To be fair, he also occasionally writes about penises, breasts, and butts.) As a key figure of eSarcasm, recently named “the Internet’s leading geek humor portal and editorial Web site,” Dr. Smartass has evidently been on the Idol team’s radar for quite some time.

“The network was damn close to signing Steven Tyler — damn close,” someone close to the negotiations confides. “But when landing Dr. Smartass suddenly looked like a possibility, they dropped ol’ monkey-boy like a sack of potatoes and did everything they could to get the doc.”

According to sources within Fox, Dr. Smartass appealed to Fox not only because of his keen sense of style, but also because of his innate ability to maintain a finger on the pulse of popular culture.

“His recent column about naked cell phone pics really helped convince the suits he was the guy for the job,” one source explains. “Put simply, his dude just gets what the young people of today want to see.”
Dr. Smartass Photo
Dr. Smartass declined to comment on the reports, saying only that he “had to hit up the bars ASAP to see if this news could help [him] score.” eSarcasm Chief Flatulence Executer Dan Tynan, meanwhile, issued the following statement:

“If that guy gets even more ass as a result of this dumb story, I swear to God I am going to castrate him.”

Representatives from Fox were not immediately available to comment on the possibility of Dr. Smartass joining Idol or whether an act of castration would have any impact on the network’s decision. We were able to reach Idol judge Randy Jackson — naturally — but despite our best attempts, we couldn’t make ourselves actually pay attention to anything he was saying. (We’re pretty sure it involved at least four uses of the word “dog.”)

Dr. S, as his readers affectionately call him, has risen to great heights in the faux-scientific community. He is credited with inventing the Spork, among other noteworthy accomplishments, and has been practicing gynecology for more than 20 years. According to his official biography at, he “hopes one day to obtain a medical degree so he can learn the names of all those pink bits.”

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