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Are You a Certified Facebook Douche?

We’re launching a campaign to seek out and identify the world’s worst Certified Facebook Douches. Can you help?

By (@JRRaphael)

August 3, 2010

Forget about those sneaky red-light cameras: Your next traffic ticket could come courtesy of Facebook.

Police in India are encouraging people to post photos of law-breaking drivers on their department’s Facebook page. Officers actually use the photos to track down vehicle owners and issue citations, according to a story published in The New York Times this week.

Call us crazy, but we think these cops are onto something. In fact, we’ve decided to start a Facebook-based offender-finding campaign of our own. And, like the police in India, we need your help.

Facebook DoucheWe’re looking to rat out the world’s worst Certified Facebook Douches. Below are some of the many violations that make a person immediately guilty of this crime. If you see anyone in the midst of one of these violations, please repost their offending action into the comments section of this story. We also encourage you to take the badge at right and post it onto the offender’s Facebook page in order to let him know he’s been tagged.

Got any other violations that should be added to the list? Throw ’em in the comments section below, too. Together, we can make a difference.

Signs of Certified Facebook Douchedom

  • You regularly post photos of yourself standing near hot chicks we all know you’ve never boned.
  • You’ve posted any photos of yourself in which you’re wearing a sideway visor and/or popped collar.
  • You’ve posted even a single photo of yourself looking in the mirror with your shirt off.*

    * Unless you’re this guy.Twitter Bird Fuck You

  • You automatically cross-post all the dumb shit you send out on Twitter. Hey, douchebag, retweet this:
  • You post anything related to Mafia Wars or Farmville. Yes, anything. And yes, this includes you.
  • You use Facebook to keep the world apprised of your every thought and action. If we know what you had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today — and we weren’t engaged in intercourse with you in between all of those meals — we have a problem.
  • You can’t spell and/or you use way 2mne abbreviations in ur msgs!*

    * Unless they’re certified sexting abbreviations. And directed at us.

  • You're a DoucheYou send out regular links to Facebook quizzes. Here’s a quiz for you: Who’s a Certified Facebook Douche? If you pointed at yourself, congrats.
  • You send out more than one Facebook invitation per month.
  • You use Facebook as a soapbox for all the annoying shit no one wants to hear you say in person. This just in: We ignore your boring political rants online as much as we do in real life.
  • You have more than four photos posted of yourself holding a beer.
  • You take it upon yourself to give us play-by-play of your favorite sporting events via your status updates. If we want to know what’s happening in the fucking game, we’ll watch the fucking game.
  • More than 10 percent of your Facebook updates look like quotes from Office Space — and they aren’t being sent as jokes. Keep your case of the goddamn Mondays to yourself, Lumbergh.

We look forward to seeing your submissions, and we thank you in advance for your help.

Facebook SlutNote: Certified Facebook Sluts, while frequently associated with the Certified Facebook Douches, are a completely different breed of offender. We here at eSarcasm fully endorse their efforts, which typically include posting photos of themselves in revealing outfits, on dance floors, and with alcohol-filled red Dixie cups in their hands; posting incessant status updates about that “dope” party they’re going to on Friday; and posting more photos of themselves in revealing outfits. We encourage any such citizens to befriend us on Facebook and begin sending photos of themselves in revealing outfits as soon as humanly possible.

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