Alternate Reality

EXCLUSIVE: What People Are Really Doing Online

Surveys show that people spend 23 percent of their time on social networks like Facebook and Twitter. How do they spend the rest of their time? You’d be surprised.

By (@tynanwrites)

August 2, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A new study by Nielsen shows that Americans spend 23 percent of their Internet time on social networks. That means just 77 percent of each day is left for trolling porn. That’s a lot even by our standards. Which leaves the question: Just what in the heck are they doing the rest of the time?

To answer that question, eSarcasm conducted its own rigorously scientific survey. The results may shock you.

How People Spend Their Time Online

  • 4 percent are reading about surveys detailing how people spend their time online.

  • 7 percent are parsing Ashton Kutcher’s tweets to divine the deeper meaning within.

  • 11 percent are holding their iPhones the wrong way.

  • 8 percent are sending sexting messages while pretending to be teens to other people who are also pretending to be teens.

  • 17 percent are annoying the piss out of family and friends by telling them every friggin’ thing they’ve ever done on Farmville.

  • 6 percent are trying to figure out which one of those chicks from Hanson is the hottest.

  • 2 percent are writing angry responses to blog posts making fun of Hanson.

  • 9 percent are clutching their iPads and waiting for a magical, revolutionary, life-changing moment to occur. OK, still waiting.

  • 3 percent are posting the entire sum of human knowledge to Twitter in an endless series of tiny URLs while pretending to be Guy Kawasaki.

  • 0.1 percent are editing their Wikipedia pages to remove all references to bedwetting and uncontrollable flatulence (yes, Michael Arrington, we’re talking to you).

  • 6 percent are trying to download nude photos of Justin Bieber but keep ending up with naked pix of Hilary Swank instead.

  • 9 percent have never heard of Robert Scoble or Perez Hilton and don’t realize how friggin’ lucky they are.

  • 7 percent are waiting patiently for the first iPhone iPorn apps to appear.

  • 6.9 percent are hoping the first iPhone iPorn app includes intimate photos of Steve Jobs.

  • 2 percent are working as interns at TechCrunch while waiting for their testicles to drop.

  • 4 percent have added up the figures in this list, realized they total more than 100, and really need to get a life.

  • 0.0000001 are reading eSarcasm and witnessing two once-promising journalism careers go swirling down the toilet.

Absolutely meaningless pie chart found at Junk Charts.

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