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Top 12 Rejected Microsoft Slogans

Picking Microsoft’s new tagline (“Be What’s Next”) wasn’t easy. Here are some alternative slogans that didn’t quite make the cut.

By (@eSarcasm)

July 26, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Don’t look now, but Microsoft has a new corporate tagline. Here it is. Ready?

Yep. That’s it. The good news? There are no wows starting now, no people with passion and/or potential, no friggin’ butterflies. So it could indeed be worse.

As always, Microsoft used a software algorithm to create the new tagline –  Windows Live Sloganator Ultimate Business Edition 2.0 (Service Pack 3b).  But it seems WLSUBE 2.0 had a few misfires along the way.

eSarcasm has gotten hold of a confidential Microsoft memo detailing the slogans that were considered but ultimately rejected. We present them here in descending order of popularity. 

12. Microsoft: Making life a living hell for almost 35 years.

11. Microsoft: Re-imagining the future by clingly blindly to the past.

10. Microsoft: We sweat the details — profusely, and with a distinct aroma of boiled cabbage.

9. Microsoft: When you want it done rite write right.

8. Microsoft: If it’s good enough for Clippy and Bob, it’s good enough for you.

7. Microsoft: Embracing porn since the days of ASCII-drawn boobs.

6. Microsoft: It’s simple. Use our products, get a blow job. Who could resist an offer like that?

5. Microsoft: Nobody ever got fired for choosing Microsoft. However, they do always get picked last for the softball team at company picnics.

4. Microsoft: BSOD-compatible since 1985.

3. Microsoft: Have you seen that chick named Anine Bing? Yeah — we totally hit that.

2. Microsoft: Without us, Apple wouldn’t look nearly so good.

And the number one rejected Microsoft corporate slogan is….

1. Fuck Vista.

We think that last one has a certain ring to it.

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  • Number 9 is oh so true, except that the last “right” should be in ALL CAPS to catch the attention of the FTC and the EU and other fun-loving acronyms.

    Actually, number 2 is pretty true also.

  • Whatever happened to: “Where do you want to go today”? Maybe they went there and didn't like it…

    Then again, “what's next” might be worse than what we've got now. But at least they're not putting rubber bumpers round Windows 7 PCs, so it could be worse. Stay cool, Stevie B!

  • Govtofmars

    I raise a tall finger to the number one choice ! I bought this computer from WORST BUY fully loaded with VISTA. They advertised “free” Windows 7. Of course, they wanted a fee for installation and then refused to give it to me for “free”. Now, they refuse to install the windows 7 program that I broke down and bought because I was told how much I needed it. Obviously, I misunderstood them. FREE WINDOWS 7 refers to some political geeks being held somewhere against their will. Sorta like customers with few options, slowly starving for crumbs of attention.

  • vista – bad. XP and 7 – cool.