‘Everyone Loves AT&T’ and Other Ridiculous Research
If you believe some recent research claiming most customers actually love AT&T, you’ll probably believe these equally absurd studies compiled by our own Dr. Smartass, too.
As a proud member of the faux-science community, your dear Dr. S loves keeping up with all kinds of research. Admittedly, the studies that catch my eye tend to be mainly about sex, sex, or occasionally sex — but once in a while, I deviate from my deviance to delve into something slightly less salacious.
Today, my good readers, is one of those days. Donnie and Junior (my colleagues here at eSarcasm) placed some interesting research on my desk this morning. Being that “my desk” is actually a Pipedreams Fetish Fantasy Sex Harness, this was quite an impressive feat, so I figured I’d give it a glance.
The study comes from the amusingly named firm Yankee Group. Our friendly Yanks’ research, as published by CNN (and shamelessly rehashed a day later by Mashable), claims “the vast majority of iPhone users love AT&T.” Yes, my science-minded friends, we’re talking about that AT&T — the same one that is endlessly evil, hates its customers, and has a CEO who makes Dick Cheney look like Mr. Rogers.
According to the Yankee Group’s study, 73 percent of iPhone users are “very satisfied” with AT&T’s service, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Given this cockamamie conclusion, I thought it’d only be fitting to present some other equally believable scientific findings.
From the personal files of your very own Dr. Smartass:
- 99 percent of women really mean it when they size doesn’t matter.
- 97 percent of women are being completely honest when they end a sentence with: “…but it still felt really good.”
- 75 percent of Steve Jobs‘ free time is not spent covertly viewing pornography.
- 94 percent of Mashable’s stories are not hastily rehashed summaries of Google trending topics.
- 92 percent of straight men have absolutely no interest in breasts, especially really big ones.
- Dr. Smartass has been diagnosed with 0 percent of the world’s weirdest sexual fetishes.
- 100 percent of men follow through on their promises to never show your naked cell phone pics to anyone else.
And finally:
- 100 percent of Yankee Group respondents were not fellated by AT&T immediately before completing their surveys.
Remember:
If a study sounds too good to be true,
That should serve as your very first clue.
Some may swear that it’s fully legit,
But we all know the truth: It’s just full of hot shit.
Until next time,
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