Alternate Reality

CrunchPad to Include ‘AutoRumor’ and ‘AlwaysRight’ Technology

The upcoming CrunchPad device will incorporate many features TechCrunch readers have come to expect, sources say, including easily generated rumors and egotistical rants.

By (@JRRaphael)

July 30, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The CrunchPadNew details are beginning to emerge about TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington’s upcoming CrunchPad touch-screen tablet device. Arrington recently revealed he’d created a Singapore-based company to build the gadget, and that a “big announcement” would be coming later this summer. While a Singapore paper claimed to have exclusive leaked information on the CrunchPad this week, eSarcasm has obtained the real scoop on the highly guarded device.

The CrunchPad, sources close to the project tell eSarcasm, will incorporate two patented systems called AutoRumor and AlwaysRight. Both are being carefully designed by the Singapore team to emulate the true experience of reading the TechCrunch site, and both are described as “phenomenally realistic” and “irritating beyond anything you could imagine.”

[Update: See also “Secrets of the CrunchPad Revealed!” for more exclusive (and quite juicy) information.]

CrunchPad AutoRumor

The first system, AutoRumor, will reportedly allow users to generate their own tech rumors using the same algorithm employed by Arrington and his TechCrunch staff. You’ll simply enter in a company name, our sources reveal, then select from a dropdown menu of rumor options — arranging to have the company be in “late-stage negotiations” to be acquired by Google, for example, or engaged in “detailed discussions” about a purchase of popular microblogging service Twitter.

CrunchPad AutoRumor

“This system has always been a closely guarded TechCrunch secret,” our source explains. “It’s how the site generates 70 percent of its stories. Opening it up to the general public is a tremendous step.”

CrunchPad AlwaysRight

The second system, AlwaysRight, would bring another trademark Arrington feature into the hands of CrunchPad users: the ability to make arguments appear absolutely and indisputably correct, regardless of their actual accuracy. Said to be modeled off of eSarcasm’s still-under-development Arringtonator technology, AlwaysRight will reportedly translate user-generated text into an Arrington-esque rant, allowing users to leave egotistical remarks on a blog or online comment forum with a few simple swipes.

“AlwaysRight may be the coolest feature on this thing,” our source says. “You could enter in, ‘I like cheddar,’ and it’ll translate it into: ‘Cheddar is absolutely the best cheese anywhere in the world. Period. There is no argument.'”

CrunchPad AlwaysRight

The CrunchPad, according to our source’s estimations, will be the “absolute best touch-screen device” ever. It’ll trump all current and future models on the market, he says, and is also in late-stage negotiations to purchase Twitter and then be acquired by Google.

Next: Read “Secrets of the CrunchPad Revealed!” to see what happened when we broke into Arrington’s oddly pungent office in search of new CrunchPad gossip.

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