Alternate Reality

Report: Apple to Wrap Entire Campus in Enormous Rubber Bumper

Revolutionary new iBumper will ring Apple’s corporate headquarters in flexible high-impact neoprene, making the company virtually leak free.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 19, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Following the announcement of free bumpers for iPhone 4 owners, Apple intends to encase its corporate headquarters in rubber, eSarcasm has learned.

CEO Steve Jobs has authorized Apple’s top prophylactics engineers to build an enormous rubber bumper to fit snugly around the main campus at One Infinite Loop, according to sources within the company who requested anonymity because they like having thumbs. When completed, the bumper would stand 12 feet high and extend approximately 1.25 miles, covering the entire perimeter of the Appleplex.

Unlike with the iPhone 4, where bumpers enhance the flow of voice and data to the handset, the Apple Information Bumper would serve to keep data from leaking out. The move is intended to stem an embarrassing flow of leaks from Apple employees, which resulted in iPhone prototypes being left in hofbraus, Vietnamese soup kitchens, and strip clubs.

According to our sources, Jobs considered putting rubber bumpers on each Apple employee but rejected the measure as cost prohibitive.

The iBumper would not be Apple’s first attempt at stemming leaks. In the past the company has attempted a junk shot (firing golf balls and lawsuits at Apple rumor blogs), a top hat (covering key employees with a large concrete dome) and the chain gang (physically binding engineers to their desks).

Apple has not yet determined what color the bumper will be, but sources indicate Jobs is leaning toward a pleasing sky blue.

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