Alternate Reality

Source: Apple Press Conference To Be Led By Old Spice Man

Apple’s iPhone 4 press conference on Friday won’t be led by Steve Jobs but rather by “Old Spice Man” Isaiah Mustafa, insiders say. [Update: It didn’t happen. But it should have.]

By (@jr_raphael)

July 15, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Press Conference Old Spice ManIn a surprise move, Apple has hired “Old Spice Man” Isaiah Mustafa to lead the company’s press conference on Friday, people with knowledge of the situation have confirmed.

Insiders say Apple CEO Steve Jobs has been captivated by the Old Spice Man’s personalized videos, describing Mustafa as “beautiful” and having “wonderful, magical abs.” Hiring Mustafa for Friday’s event was evidently seen by those within Apple as a compromise between Jobs and the company’s board of directors.

“Steve just keeps pacing around his office, muttering things about how his iPhone 4 is ‘flawless’ and ‘revolutionary’ and how ‘those damn users just don’t get it,'” explains one source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve been trying to get him to do something about this shoddy antenna problem since day one, but he just keeps pouting and refusing to admit anything’s wrong.”

Jobs has been under mounting pressure from his board to address the widespread criticism of the iPhone 4’s antenna design, insiders say, but remains convinced that he is right and the rest of the world is to blame for the device’s reception issues.

“He told [Apple COO Tim] Cook, ‘Look — I’ll send another e-mail to those ingrates letting them know they’re holding the phone wrong, but that’s it,'” a source explains. “Then Cook saw an Old Spice Man video on Jobs’ iMac and made the suggestion.”

The Old Spice Man will appear shirtless via a satellite video connection, insiders say, and will answer questions asked by reporters at the event. He won’t directly acknowledge any design flaw with the new iPhone but will discuss how “real men use the iPhone” and “don’t complain about how they have to hold it.”






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Comments

  • AppleGuy

    It's time for Apple to own this:

    http://whatsnottaken.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/a

    No way they'll try to dance around it again.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    Hello, ladies! Look at your iPhones. Now look at me. Now back to your iPhones. Now back to me. See the difference? Unlike the iPhone 4, I always get excellent reception, even while riding backwards on an Arabian stallion while mixing a souffle with cooking tools I crafted myself out of discarded parts from Skylab II and singing you a love song I wrote while doing 10,000 ab crunches. Can Steve Jobs say that? Of course he can't.

    • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

      I haven't actually gotten around to watching the Old Spice Man yet, but I'm sure that there are a lot of people who would want to hold him and see what kind of reception they get.

  • Guhmshoo

    Excellent. Word on the street is that the Old Spice Man's abs increase the iPhone 4's reception by a whopping 150%. Antenna problem solved.