Rants In Our Pants

EXCLUSIVE: The Mel Gibson Personality Test

Can you roll like Mel? It’s not as easy as it looks. Take our quiz and find out if you’ve got what it takes to out Gibson Mr. Gibson.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 14, 2010

It takes a special kind of man to be Mel Gibson.

There aren’t many Hollywood icons who can manage a thriving career, sire love children with their Russian mistresses, use them as human punching bags, launch into racist tirades against anyone who isn’t a straight catholic conservative white male — and manage to get it all caught on tape. Good onya, mate.

RadarOnline has generously shared a copious selection of audio tapes captured by Mel’s former mistress/wanna be pop diva/soon-to-be-the-recipient-of-a-very-large-legal-settlement Oksana Grigorieva. The results present a heady challenge for any males who wish to follow in Mel’s alcohol-fueled, vomit-encrusted footsteps.

But we know readers of eSarcasm love a challenge. Can you roll like Mel Gibson? Take this easy five-question quiz and find out.

1. The Russian hottie that you left your wife of 25 years for falls asleep before servicing your physical needs. The next morning you tell her…

a. You will burn down the house unless she performs oral sex on you
b. You will burn down the house, but only after she performs oral sex on you
c. You will burn down the house while she’s performing oral sex on you
d. You will burn down the house, provided you can figure out how to work this lighter thingie

2. Your Eastern Euro hottie has you arrested and charged with physical abuse. Your first response is to….

a. Threaten to beat her in the head with a baseball bat
b. Threaten to bury her in the rose garden
c. Threaten to make her work with Joe Pesci
d. Ask her why that red light on her tape recorder keeps blinking

3. You’re locked in a bitter custody battle for your daughter with the mother of your love child. To convince your ex to allow visitation rights, you…

a. Slug her in the mouth, breaking her front teeth
b. Call her a "mentally depraved idiot" with dysfunctional sex organs
c. Paint your face blue and cry "You may take away my daughter, but you’ll never take my freedom!"
d. Offer to hire Roman Polanski as babysitter

4. You’re pulled over by the police for driving under the influence. You immediately…

a. Launch into a drunken tirade against Jews, wetbacks, and homos
b. Share fascinating theories with Officer Cohen about the Holocaust myth
c. Offer the officer a part in Lethal Weapon 6: Are We Fucking Old or What?
d. Blame the media

5. Your Russian mistress is dressed in a manner designed to show off her finest assets. Naturally you…

a. Tell her she looks like a "bitch in heat" who’s likely to be raped by n****rs
b. Instinctively slip a $20 bill into her thong
c. Tell her you know What Women Want, and it’s your dick – always
d. Offer her the title role in your upcoming movie, The Beaver


If you answered A or B to any of these questions, you might actually be Mel Gibson. (Hi Mel — loved you in Chicken Run.) If you answered C or D, you’d like to be like Gibson, but you’re probably more like Pesci.

If you were Mel Gibson, what would you do? Post your response in the comments below. The funniest one (in our humble estimation) will receive a valuable prize*.

* Actual value not guaranteed.

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