Feeling a Little Sheepish? Must Be Global Warming
The world’s sheep are shrinking, say scientists, and it’s all Al Gore’s fault. But those aren’t the only animals in danger from disappearing entirely thanks to global climate change.
Scientists in Scotland are reporting that sheep in that hagus-loving country are shrinking – and no, it’s not from washing their wool in hot water.
According to a study in the journal Science, the average weight of sheep on the remote island of Hirta in the Outer Hebrides has fallen by 3 ounces a year since 1985. Researchers predict that if these mammals continue to decline at the same rate, they would disappear entirely by the year 2170, visible only to scientists with extremely expensive microscopes.
The cause? Global climate change, says the report. By measuring the growth of newborn ewes each year on the uninhabited island, incorporating data from the North Atlantic Oscillation Index, and spinning counterclockwise three times while reciting a Robert Burns poem, scientists were able to determine that smaller lambs born to younger mothers were more likely to survive thanks to the milder winters caused by global warming.
However, an investigative study recently completed by eSarcasm reveals that sheep are not the only animals on a carbon-induced Jenny Craig diet. Longitudinal studies of farm animals across the lower 48 states has uncovered pocket-sized pigs, horses that can fit into the palm of one’s hand, and cows no larger than a coffee cup.
Meanwhile, smaller animals are actually gaining in size, again in response to man-made fluctuations in ambient temperatures.
“These creatures are enormous,” said farmer John McDonald (right), holding a newborn bunny as large as an obese 14-year-old child. “I always thought Al Gore was full of it. Now I guess I owe him an apology.”
Still, many individuals continue to deny the existence of global climate change, let alone its evolutionary impact on the planet’s animal kingdom.
“It’s all a load of hooey,” declares Bob Foraples, standing next to a cockroach the size of a 1957 Buick Skylark. “Climate change, schlimate change. God is just messing with us, like He always does. Don’t these eggheads understand anything?”
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