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Leak Reveals Apple’s True Attitude Towards Media

We’ve gotten our hands on yet another internal Apple memo dealing with the iPhone 4’s antenna problems and the media. It’s much worse than you think.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 9, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

It seems Apple has a leak problem. First The Boy Genius Report leaked an internal Apple memo revealing how AppleCare minions were to respond to the iPhone 4 antenna issue. Which is to say, “deny, deny, deny.”

Now eSarcasm has obtained yet another internal Apple memo, this one dealing with how to handle the press. It’s a real eye opener.

We present it to you unedited in its entirety:

FROM: Tim Cook, COO

TO: Apple Public Relations staff

Questions have arisen internally regarding inaccurate stories in the media about Apple and its products, as well as our general practices with regard to the fourth estate. Hopefully, this memo will help clarify some issues. To wit:

* There is no problem with the iPhone 4’s antenna. There is no problem with the iPhone 4’s antenna. There is no problem with the iPhone 4’s antenna. Are we all clear on that?

* Remember, at Apple we do not “hold press conferences,” we “host special events.” Anyone caught using the phrase “press conference” will find themselves interviewing over at Bebo.

* At said special events, Steve will take questions from select members of the press, provided these reporters address him in an appropriately respectful manner. “Your Eminence,” “Your Grace,” and “Most Holy of Holies” are all acceptable; “Steve-a-rino” is not.

* Walt Mossberg, of course, can continue to call him Hunny Bunny.

* Steve will not take any questions regarding his health, his turtleneck, his beard, or the rumors that he has created an army of Jobs clones and is farming them for their internal organs.

* Due to Steve’s sensitive condition and the generally unclean nature of the press corps, we must maintain a perimeter of at least 10 feet around him at all times. Only Walt Mossberg will be permitted to breach the perimeter to deliver manhugs.

* Again: The iPhone 4’s antenna? Not a problem.

* Woz is not to be allowed in the building without an escort. No exceptions. We all don’t need a repeat of that last incident. We’re still trying to get the kid’s parents to settle out of court.

* Please note that Newsweek’s Dan Lyons (Fake Steve Jobs) gets his own special press kit — it’s the one with the contact number “1-800-EATSHIT” on it. Steve’s instructions. Don’t fuck this up.

* Please also remember to send John Gruber (Daring Fireball) his checks on time. The last time one was more than two days late he posted something nasty about us. We can’t have that happen twice.

* Whoever left a flaming bag of dogshit on Gizmodo’s doorstep needs to knock it off. We appreciate the sentiment, but that’s not how Apple does business. We send press packets coated with weaponized polio spores.

* If any reporters manage to penetrate our anti-journalist shields and ask about alleged problems with the iPhone 4’s reception, please refer them directly to Randall Stephenson at AT&T. You know the drill.

* Remember, there are no flawed Apple products, only users who have not been instructed in appropriate modes of operation. These people need to be helped, not ridiculed. Even if they are brainless twats.

Sincerely,

TC

That certainly explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Image: iPhonebrand.






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