Rants In Our Pants

The Steve Jobs E-Mail Generator

So you've fired off an e-mail to the Great Man and now you're anxiously awaiting a reply? Wait no longer. Our e-mail bot can crank out a Jobsian response to any question.

If there's one thing you can say about Steve Jobs, it's that the guy has a real way with words.

Steve Jobs Email Generator Aside from his love of beautiful, wonderful, really amazing adjectives, Jobs has developed an amusing habit of replying to random users' e-mails from his official apple.com account. His responses are famously terse and direct -- things like:
Change your apps name. Not that big of a deal.
Just avoid holding it in that way.

And, of course, the most recent opus:
You are getting all worked up over a few days of rumors. Calm down.

(Yes, Apple PR denies that Stevie-boy actually sent that last one, but the blog that published the e-mail insists it's the real deal. Either way, it's not a far stretch from his past works, so we'll consider it as good as legit.)

Now, Jobs may be a god -- to the devoted Apple fanboy crowd, at least -- but he's still a busy guy. And that means he can't personally respond to every note that flutters into his inbox.

That's where eSarcasm comes in. We've captured the essence of the Steve Jobs e-mail experience and recreated it through a highly complex system of circuits, algorithms, and flux capacitors. It's something we call the Steve Jobs E-Mail Generator -- and, suffice it to say, it is both magical and revolutionary.

Simply type your message to Steve in the box below, then click "GO!" to get your response.

GO!






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Comments

  • Greenie2

    i asked jobs if he's got the kinks worked out on Iphone4 ….

    his answer …

    Remember Garbage In, Garbage Out? You've got Garbage Up the Wazoo. Write to me after you've moved out of your mother's basement.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

    • mlia

      I asked something similar. I said “I'm thinking about switching to Apple, but I still really like Windows, what should I do?”

      his answer?

      OK. The iPhone isn't perfect. I got it. Have you invented anything magical or revolutionary lately? I didn't think so.

      Steve

      Sent from my iPod

    • http://twitter.com/rigardi Georg Pichler

      “Steve, I desperately need to see nude women on my iPhone”

      “From: Steve Jobs
      Subject: Your email

      Aren't you the same guy who asked about anal bleaching last week? Stop emailing me.

      Steve

      Sent from my iPhone”

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    As a Reed graduate, I asked Steve (who attended Reed briefly) when he was going to return there. His response? Umm…it's the exact same response that was given to Greenie2! What were the chances?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LB5KKRQCJCU6RZFL65CL72KZZQ Anthony

      pretty high – they only have 4

  • gilby_the_twat

    I asked Steve why he was such an ass. He said:

    Aren't you the same guy who asked about anal bleaching last week? Stop emailing me.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

  • bigwootypants

    I said “Go fuck yourself” and got…
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    OK. The iPhone isn't perfect. I got it. Have you invented anything magical or revolutionary lately? I didn't think so.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPod

    Awesome!! he sent mine from his iPod! Woot!!

  • Mike

    I asked

    When are you going to allow porn apps on Itunes?

    This was his response.

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No idea what to tell you. But while we're chatting, do you know of a good beard-grooming tool?

    Steve

    Sent from my iToilet

  • Rober

    Well… “I don't care for computers but what's with the turtlenecks ?”

    ->”From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    This is Woz, isn't it? Dude, you're not fooling anyone.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad”

  • Mike

    I asked “why don't you allow your users to have an open mind?”

    abd got:
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • Bookraiders

    I wrote, “Dear Steve: you (and your DRM system) suck! Go Microsoft!”

    Reply:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    I'm meditating and mulling over how awesome I am right now. Please email back later.

    Steve

    Sent from my iEgo

    Heh. I found my statement funnier than the reply.

  • iQuestion

    I asked “Do you think the Apple stock is likely to go up?”

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    We'll continue to make the best computers on earth. We'll let those other guys make the best computers in Uranus.

    Steve

    Sent from my iMac

  • http://twitter.com/lordmg Mike Goeppner

    I asked, and steve delivered.

    What's your favorite porno?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Look, porn is rotting the moral fiber of America's youth. And watching three large-breasted blondes doing a pizza delivery guy gets old after you've seen it 10,000 times. Trust me.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPorn

  • AGuy

    Dear Mr. Jobs:
    I have an idea that could raise Apple stock tremendously.
    You ready? Here it is: Go fuck yourself.

    His reply:
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.
    /
    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • AustinNaustiN

    I asked “Is it true that you helped produce 'Two Girls One Cup'?”

    He responded:
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No, I do not require weekly transfusions of blood from teenage virgins. I don't know where these rumors get started. But if I have any other uses for teen virgins I'll let you know.

    Steve

    Sent from my iLiver

  • http://twitter.com/_NathanBaxter_ Jon Baxter

    I asked:
    Are you working for Google?

    Reply:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No idea what to tell you. But while we're chatting, do you know of a good beard-grooming tool?

    Steve

    Sent from my iToilet

  • Guest

    I said, apple sucks

    There is no problem with the iPhone's antenna. There may however be a problem with your brain's antenna. Can't help you there.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

  • jjohn

    I asked- Why is Windows better than Apple?

    Steve- Beautiful, magical, wonderful, blah blah blah. I already told you it's great. Stop asking questions.

  • Dosa312

    I asked:

    Did you enjoy Toy Story 3?

    Steve responded:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • Brendalchristensen

    Q: nil
    A: From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    OK. The iPhone isn't perfect. I got it. Have you invented anything magical or revolutionary lately? I didn't think so.

    Steve

  • QL

    I asked: Why don't you ever wear anything different?

    Reply: From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Look, porn is rotting the moral fiber of America's youth. And watching three large-breasted blondes doing a pizza delivery guy gets old after you've seen it 10,000 times. Trust me.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPorn

  • http://twitter.com/BarrakiAxonn Axonn Brutaka

    “I want esarcasm on my iPod Touch”.

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    You are most likely in an area with very low signal strength. Don't like it? Email Randall Stephenson at AT&T. Let me know what he tells you.

    Steve

    Sent from my Verizon Droid

  • Peggy

    I asked Steve if he knew that Dan and JR were doing this. He replied:

    I'm meditating and mulling over how awesome I am right now. Please email back later.

    Steve

    Sent from my iEgo

  • Neil

    Emailed: You're an asshole

    Response:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Aren't you the same guy who asked about anal bleaching last week? Stop emailing me.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      Congratulations! You have just won the best Q&A-combo prize, along with a gallon of free anal bleach courtesy of BrownOut Inc. We'll be contacting you via email to arrange delivery.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000080904584 Manuel Bahena

    i asked steve if his wife was lesbian
    his response:

    ook, porn is rotting the moral fiber of America's youth. And watching three large-breasted blondes doing a pizza delivery guy gets old after you've seen it 10,000 times. Trust me.

  • Email

    Steve, I want porn and I want it now.

    Bow down to the Magical Glory of the iKnob. Kiss it. That's it. Just the tip.

  • master of forks

    Why won't you just bow down to Google and stop being a communist?

    Because Flash sucks ass, that's why. Next question.

  • Neo

    I asked “Why does my MacBook Pro cause so much anal leakage”

    Steve Replied:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    We'll continue to make the best computers on earth. We'll let those other guys make the best computers in Uranus.

    Steve

    Sent from my iMac

  • Clint

    I asked when would there be an imac i could insert in my ear and have the display put through my eyeballs.

    his response

    “We'll continue to make the best computers on earth. We'll let those other guys make the best computers in Uranus.”

    Does this mean that one day they will but the competition is likley to build one that goes in uranus rather than the ear? i hope to god its a small computer =(

    • What

      That’s called the eyePhone by Mom.

  • Guest

    I asked:
    When will you understand that Macs ARE PCs? It's Personal Computer, not Windows.

    and got back:
    Aren't you the same guy who asked about anal bleaching last week? Stop emailing me.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    I asked: why do you make it so hard for app developers?

    he replied:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No one is being forced to develop for the iPhone or iPad. But if they choose to do so, then yes, we do require them to wear highly restrictive undergarments. You got a problem with that?

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • @dracona1031

    Q: Why do you hate the freedoms, Steve?
    A: This is Woz, isn't it? Dude, you're not fooling anyone.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • Cybirr

    My app was rejected as being sexual. I don't understand. And why do you hate chickens?

    –Cybirr

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • http://www.facebook.com/freakogeeko Mohd Arshad

    I askd: Did U ever Masturbated??

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    I'm meditating and mulling over how awesome I am right now. Please email back later.

    Steve

    Sent from my iEgo

  • Jdfelosi

    i asked when the iphone would be on verizon and got

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • Stuart

    I asked Steve where he bought his black turtleneck shirts.
    Answer: No, I do not require weekly transfusions of blood from teenage virgins. I don't know where these rumors get started. But if I have any other uses for teen virgins I'll let you know.

    Steve

    Sent from my iLiver

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/CU3WGEE73QOHCEBKXYNK6LWEEQ Ana Mano-Pia

    Q: Where can I get a job, Jobs?
    A:Look, porn is rotting the moral fiber of America's youth. And watching three large-breasted blondes doing a pizza delivery guy gets old after you've seen it 10,000 times. Trust me.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/CU3WGEE73QOHCEBKXYNK6LWEEQ Ana Mano-Pia

    Q: Riddle . . . When is an iPhone like an O-ring?
    A: There is no problem with the iPhone's antenna. There may however be a problem with your brain's antenna. Can't help you there.

  • imapi@web.de

    Q: Can you destroy thy company apple?
    A: From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Beautiful, magical, wonderful, blah blah blah. I already told you it's great. Stop asking questions.

    Steve

  • umkcdds

    Q: What would JR Raphael have to write about if he couldn't spend all his time bitching about Apple?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No, I do not require weekly transfusions of blood from teenage virgins. I don't know where these rumors get started. But if I have any other uses for teen virgins I'll let you know.

    Steve

    Sent from my iLiver

  • umkcdds

    Q: Is JR Raphael really as good as I've heard he is at polishing knobs?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Better than you could possibly imagine. And Woz agrees.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

  • None

    Q: How are you?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    Look, porn is rotting the moral fiber of America's youth. And watching three large-breasted blondes doing a pizza delivery guy gets old after you've seen it 10,000 times. Trust me.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPorn

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/5UQFCHKJF5BBBVVD3FYPIBQBCY Patrick Thurmond

    I entered “I like having sex with women, how about you?” and Steve Jobs replied:

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No idea what to tell you. But while we're chatting, do you know of a good beard-grooming tool?

    Steve

    Sent from my iToilet

  • Tonycarbone

    I asked Steve – “Tell me about ACN telecommunications. Is it a scam?”. He replied:

    Chillax. Eat some ice cream. Hug a puppy. Get your knob waxed. It's just a friggin phone, dude.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

    • James

      To: Steve Jobs

      Steve, my arms are tired from holding this iPad to watch videos. Can I get one with a nice base to make it stand up? Hey since there's a base, why not put a keyboard in the base. Oh, wait…

      .James.

      From: Steve Jobs
      Subject: Your email

      Beautiful, magical, wonderful, blah blah blah. I already told you it's great. Stop asking questions.

      Steve

  • Taylor Karras

    I'm disappointed. Why couldn't they make one where the response is uniquely different each time instead of randomized.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      are you volunteering your services? cuz we could use a good programmer who's willing to work for cheetos and free porn.

  • Guest204

    What makes the iPhone great?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No idea what to tell you. But while we're chatting, do you know of a good beard-grooming tool?

    Steve

    Sent from my iToilet

  • http://twitter.com/CrunchNow The Padrino Dot Com

    Are you gay?

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No, I do not require weekly transfusions of blood from teenage virgins. I don't know where these rumors get started. But if I have any other uses for teen virgins I'll let you know.

    Steve

    Sent from my iLiver

  • Svguads

    I asked: “Steve, why can't you change the Sun to the shape of the Apple logo? I'm sure there's an app for that, right?

    reply: “Because Flash sucks ass. Next Question”

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/PIJV62FWZOAABKQO5QL6UZYHTA LisaA

    I asked “Should I drink my Coke?”
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    No one is being forced to develop for the iPhone or iPad. But if they choose to do so, then yes, we do require them to wear highly restrictive undergarments. You got a problem with that?

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Howard-Emgritz/100000930853126 Howard Emgritz

    “Is Android doomed to extinction?”
    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    We'll continue to make the best computers on earth. We'll let those other guys make the best computers in Uranus.

    Steve

    Sent from my iMac

  • Nurselog

    Me: “I like Porn”

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    This is Woz, isn't it? Dude, you're not fooling anyone.

    Steve

    Sent from my iPad

  • Molls

    Me: “iPod. iPad. Is there an iPeed in the works?”

    From: Steve Jobs
    Subject: Your email

    We'll continue to make the best computers on earth. We'll let those other guys make the best computers in Uranus.

    Steve

    Sent from my iMac

  • jurassicpop

    you peeple have 2 much time on your hands ! get a life!