Congratulations, You’ve Been Protected From Obscene Material
The U.S. Department of Justice is patting itself on the back for “protecting” us from “obscene material” on the Web. We express our gratitude with a little thank you note.
Dear U.S. Department of Justice,
We just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you for your recent ruling against the Extreme Associates pornography site. You were thoughtful enough to sentence its owners, a husband and wife, to a year in jail for “conspiracy to distribute obscene material through the mail and over the Internet.” You also shut down their Web site, ensuring no one else would have to experience said obscenities. Boy, are we glad you did.
The couple, as you know, admitted to making pornographic videos available over the Internet. Some of them depicted things beyond the acceptable norm of missionary-position intercourse for the purpose of procreation. That, clearly, is a kind of imagery the American public is unable to handle. It’s a relief that you had the foresight to realize that and make the decision for us, so we wouldn’t have to decide on our own not to view the material if we didn’t like it.
The U.S. attorney on the case, Mary Beth Buchanan, really understands our desire for protection from such smut. Her inspiring statement explains that the prison sentences “affirm the need to continue to protect the public from obscene, lewd, lascivious or filthy material, the production of which degrades all of us.” We are thankful people like Ms. Buchanan are here to make those sorts of personal decisions for us all.
Most of all, it’s good to know that you are devoting vast amounts of taxpayer dollars and government resources to such important efforts. You have been pursuing this particular case, for example, for about six years now. You didn’t stop when, two years into your “investigation,” a district court told you your “obscenity” guidelines were unconstitutional — no, you were wiser than that. You knew we needed to be protected, and you wouldn’t let a silly little thing like the U.S. Constitution get in the way. You even created an official subdivision called the Obscenity Prosecution Task Force that now exists solely to shield us from bad, bad things.
Department of Justice, we can’t thank you enough. We can only hope you also demand all remnants of the site be removed from the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, where anyone could still clearly view the “filthy” material if they so chose. We also hope you’ll go ahead and take the initiative to shut down all the other Web sites hosting such “lewd” content from which we must be protected. Our need to have your subjective moral views imposed upon us is crucial to the continued smooth operation of our God-loving country.
Oh, please also shut down any Web sites publishing the words “fuck,” “shit,” or “ass” within their stories. We demand protection from that type of filth as well, and we turn to you to shelter us from the horror.
Sincerely yours in complete and utter sarcasm,
S. Crew Yoo
Director of Indirect Insults
eSarcasm.com
Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter | Widgets
