Rants In Our Pants

The Right and Wrong Ways To Hold an iPhone

Steve Jobs says how you hold your iPhone makes a difference in how well it works. Because most people are too stupid to figure this out on their own, we’ve created this handy visual guide.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 25, 2010

Having trouble getting your new iPhone to take and make calls? It’s not the iPhone, it’s you. 

You’re holding it wrong. Yes, you. And you too, the guy in the back who looks like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. You’re all holding it wrong. Jeez, no wonder this friggin’ thing doesn’t work.

That’s the answer Steve Jobs provided to one fawning yet dissatisfied user who complained that his brand new Jesus phone was providing less than immaculate reception. In one of his famously terse emails, Our Fearless Leader instructed the user to “Just avoid holding it in that way.”

Of course. Duh. Can you be more friggin’ stupid? Jeez.

As Steve expertly demonstrates above, the correct way to hold an iPhone is to grasp it gently yet lovingly with your thumb and three fingers, and focus upon it with laserlike intensity while trying not to think about AT&T.

An alternative yet equally acceptable method of holding the iPhone is to grip it extended some 14.5 inches from your right ear in front of a large Apple logo while grinning like Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas. No, a little more to the left. There, that’s it.

Yet despite these clear, widely available examples, people continue to insist upon holding their iPhones in a manner inconsistent with the owner’s manual and God’s will. Here are some examples of how not to hold an iPhone, as well as a few suggested grips.

WRONG: Ralphie on the right is holding his iPhone in a manner guaranteed to get extremely poor reception. It will, however, leave his breath smelling clean and minty fresh. PHANTOM TEXT TO MAKE THE PICTURES LINE UP CORRECTLY.


WRONG: This guy on the left is also grasping his iPhone incorrectly. And we’re pretty sure he doesn’t meet the minimum height requirements for iPhone ownership. Hey dude, didn’t you see the “You must be taller than this” sign in the Apple Store?  PHANTOM TEXT

WRONG: This talented young lady (right) would be holding her iPhone correctly, only she’s still using one hand. We believe that’s not strictly necessary. We also understand enveloping the iPhone in silicone actually enhances reception.PHANTOM TEXT ………… ………….. ………….. ………………. ……………. ………………

WRONG: This hopeless dork (left) is completely on the wrong track. You’ve got to take it out of the box first, nimrod. Apparently some people can’t even put their pants on without explicit written directions.

WRONG: This underdressed young woman (right) is holding her iPhone in a completely unacceptable manner. We believe only close personal supervision over a period of several weeks will help rectify her poor habits. Also, frequent spankings.

RIGHT: Finally, this is the iPhone grip most often recommended by Apple tech support. While it won’t solve your reception problems, it does give you a handy place for storing the phone when not in use.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it?

SEE ALSO: 3 Simple Steps to Fixing the iPhone 4’s Reception Problem

 

Images: Textually.org, Meaningful Distractions, iPhone SaviorMac|Life, Wren Forum, Pestaola, Sodahead, iPhoneMatters






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Comments

  • R2D2

    R2D2 here,

    I laughed till a resistor blew out my nose! Apple says you must hold your iP4 a certain way for reception. Too funny! Here's a thought: Take your head out of Job's axe and the reception will improve. No such problems with my Droids. The force is with us!

  • Gonzobot

    He's emailed that twice now, as far as I know, to separate consumers. Don't you just love being the king?

    “Sir! Sir! Majesty, the country irrigation system doesn't flow to my farmland, my crops are dying!”

    “Foolish peasant! You have placed your barn on the wrong side of your land! For shame! You must now purchase further ditches and water-screws for your farm, or PERISH IN TERRIBLE FREEZING STARVATION COME WINTER!”

    That's how I see it.

  • uccemebug

    Next they'll issue a fix but only for people who can prove they're impacted, a la Intel's Pentium floating point math problem way back when.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tiffany-Bliss/1801248473 Tiffany Bliss

    How to fix your Apple iPhone 4 antenna problem (funny): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL7NJZkXYig

  • Someone

    Perhaps Steve Jobs is left-handed? Left-handed folk will not have this problem.

  • George

    really nice man… ;-)