Dr. Smartass   •   Favorites

The Best Way to Break Up

Breaking up isn’t easy, but Dr. Smartass has some science-tested steps to make it sting a little less. (He told us they were science-tested, anyway — to be honest, we’re not fully convinced.)

By (@doctorsmartass)

June 21, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassAs your resident (pseudo) doctor, allow me to deliver a piece of important advice to you: That Neil Sedaka fellow knew a thing or two about breaking up. Namely that it’s hard to do.

Saying so-long to a lover is never simple, even for a seasoned (pseudo) medical professional like myself. Granted, the gals your dear Dr. S “breaks up with” are usually leaving at the top of the hour anyway, but that’s neither here nor there.

This week, we tackle what someone can do to make a breakup slightly less bitter. From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I can’t stand my girlfriend any more and have to break up with her soon. She’s the sweetest girl in the world, though, and I’d hate to hurt her any more than I have to. What should I do?


Vic, oh Vic, so set on not being a dick. Well, Mr. V, you’re in luck: Your trusty virtual doc has just been handed some fine tips on proper breakup technique from a certified etiquette and image expert. Here’s what she has to say, along with some supplemental thoughts of my own.

Best Way to Break Up• Breakup Technique #1

Her advice: “Avoid ‘You’ statements. (‘You make me angry,’ ‘You humiliated me,’ ‘You’re at fault.’)”

Dr. Smartass’s notes: If the “You” statement involves something positive, go ahead and toss it in. For example: “I’m breaking up with you, but I’d like to sleep with you one more time. Why? Because you have amazing knockers.”

• Breakup Technique #2

Her advice: “Aim for ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements identify YOU as the source of the message. When you ‘own’ a statement, you take personal responsibility for it. That’s maturity, wisdom, and exceptional emotional IQ rolled into one big wallop of interpersonal effectiveness.”

Dr. Smartass’s notes: Your friendly neighborhood doc couldn’t agree more. Try statements like these:

I still have naked pictures of you on my cell phone.”

I will probably take care of certain unmentionable matters while observing your breasts for many months into the future. Did I mention that they’re amazing?”

Breakup Shirt• Breakup Technique #3

Her advice: “Word your feelings descriptively to ensure accurate meaning.”

Dr. Smartass’s notes: Oh, yes, descriptive language could not be more important. Here are some helpful terms that may come in handy for your descriptive breakup discussion:

  • BJ deficit
  • annoying personality
  • occasionally flaccid
  • other gazombas
  • fresh poon


 A breakup is no simple thing
 But you’re the one who wants a fling
 So follow these steps and soon you’ll find
 You’re tapping on a new behind.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

(Breakup shirt image courtesy zazzle.co.nz)

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter