The Best Way to Break Up
Breaking up isn’t easy, but Dr. Smartass has some science-tested steps to make it sting a little less. (He told us they were science-tested, anyway — to be honest, we’re not fully convinced.)
As your resident (pseudo) doctor, allow me to deliver a piece of important advice to you: That Neil Sedaka fellow knew a thing or two about breaking up. Namely that it’s hard to do.
Saying so-long to a lover is never simple, even for a seasoned (pseudo) medical professional like myself. Granted, the gals your dear Dr. S “breaks up with” are usually leaving at the top of the hour anyway, but that’s neither here nor there.
This week, we tackle what someone can do to make a breakup slightly less bitter. From my inbox:
Dear Dr. Smartass,
I can’t stand my girlfriend any more and have to break up with her soon. She’s the sweetest girl in the world, though, and I’d hate to hurt her any more than I have to. What should I do?
-Vic
Vic, oh Vic, so set on not being a dick. Well, Mr. V, you’re in luck: Your trusty virtual doc has just been handed some fine tips on proper breakup technique from a certified etiquette and image expert. Here’s what she has to say, along with some supplemental thoughts of my own.
• Breakup Technique #1
Her advice: “Avoid ‘You’ statements. (‘You make me angry,’ ‘You humiliated me,’ ‘You’re at fault.’)”
Dr. Smartass’s notes: If the “You” statement involves something positive, go ahead and toss it in. For example: “I’m breaking up with you, but I’d like to sleep with you one more time. Why? Because you have amazing knockers.”
• Breakup Technique #2
Her advice: “Aim for ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements identify YOU as the source of the message. When you ‘own’ a statement, you take personal responsibility for it. That’s maturity, wisdom, and exceptional emotional IQ rolled into one big wallop of interpersonal effectiveness.”
Dr. Smartass’s notes: Your friendly neighborhood doc couldn’t agree more. Try statements like these:
“I still have naked pictures of you on my cell phone.”
“I will probably take care of certain unmentionable matters while observing your breasts for many months into the future. Did I mention that they’re amazing?”
• Breakup Technique #3
Her advice: “Word your feelings descriptively to ensure accurate meaning.”
Dr. Smartass’s notes: Oh, yes, descriptive language could not be more important. Here are some helpful terms that may come in handy for your descriptive breakup discussion:
- BJ deficit
- annoying personality
- occasionally flaccid
- other gazombas
- fresh poon
Remember:
A breakup is no simple thing
But you’re the one who wants a fling
So follow these steps and soon you’ll find
You’re tapping on a new behind.
Until next time,
(Breakup shirt image courtesy zazzle.co.nz)
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