Rants In Our Pants

Screw the Webby Awards. Meet the Winners of the 2010 Snarkies

Welcome to our annual awards for the sites and people most worthy of ridicule recognition. This year’s winners include Steve Jobs, Megan Fox, and Boobquake. We hope you remembered your tux.

By (@eSarcasm)

June 14, 2010

First, let us be perfectly clear. We are in no way bitter about not receiving a Webby this year, or even a nomination. Nope, not bothered in the slightest. Our hats would go off to The Onion for winning the nod for Best Humor Site, if we wore hats. Really. We wish them all the best.

This year’s other Webby winners include sites well known to readers of eSarcasm. For example, Mashable took home three Webbys, including Best Business Blog and Best Cultural Blog. (Sadly, the Webbys don’t give out awards for Best Rehashes of Other People’s Reporting, or they might have won more.) Twitter won for "Best Practices" (we understand they scrimmage at least twice a day). Heck, even ChatRoulette won a special award for "Webby Break Out of the Year" (possibly because so many of its users have broken out of federal institutions).

Well, we have our own awards to give out — thirty of them, to be precise. Welcome to The Snarkies, awarded to the Web sites and Internet-flavored individuals most worthy of recognition and/or ridicule. Our Snarky winners may not get a meal at a fancy New York restaurant or 15 seconds of fame, but we’ll feel confident in saying our list can beat up their list.

The envelopes, please. And the Snarky statuettes go to….

Best Internet-Driven Event: Boobquake 2010

Best Sex Tape Released by an Ex-Boyfriend or Current Publicist: Kendra Wilkinson, “Kendra Exposed”

(People’s Voice Award: Pinocchio)

Best Unoriginal Summaries of Trending Google Topics Masquerading as Reporting: Mashable

Best Reporting of Rumors, Innuendo, and Unsubstantiated Facts: TechCrunch*

Best Unoriginal Summaries of Rumors, Innuendo, and Unsubstantiated Facts First Reported by TechCrunch: Mashable

Site Doing the Most to Make Male Masturbation a Spectator Sport: ChatRoulette

Best Video Performance by a Person Wearing Almost No Clothing Whatsoever: Christina Aguilerra

Best Video Performance by a Person Whom We Do Not Under Any Circumstances Wish to See Naked: Susan Boyle

Most Shameless Use of a Fake News Story to Gain Cheap Attention: Richard Heene, “Balloon Boy”

(People’s Voice Winner: eSarcasm)

Site Most Likely to Violate Your Privacy: Facebook

Site Most Likely to Violate Your Teenager: MySpace

Worst Abuse of Punctuation by a Crumbling Internet Dynasty: Y!ahoo

(People’s Voice Winner: “Aol.”)

Tech Executive Most Hell Bent on Combating Evil Internet Porn: Steve Jobs

Tech Executive Most Likely to Go to Hell for Enjoying Evil Internet Porn: Steve Jobs

Person Most Likely to be Found Hanging By His Thumbs in a Dungeon Deep Beneath One Infinite Loop: Gray Powell

Best Provider of Sex-Free Thrills to Gaming Geeks: GameCrush

Semifamous Tech Figure We’d Most Like to See Semi-clothed: Marissa Mayer, Google

Semifamous Tech Figure We’d Least Like to See Semi-clothed: Robert Scoble, Scobleizer

Most Evil Performance by a Company Whose Motto is ‘Don’t Be Evil’: Google’s hoovering up of people’s open WiFi networks for 3+ years.

Billionaire Most Likely to be a Member of a Scary, Hood-Wearing Cult: Mark Zuckerberg

Internet Icon Most Likely to be Found Drenched in Sweat (Extremely Hot): Megan Fox

Internet Icon Most Likely to be Found Drenched in Sweat (Vaguely Nauseating): Steve Ballmer, Mark Zuckerberg (tie)

Best Personal Speaking Engagement We Wish We Were There to See: Carol Bartz telling Michael Arrington to fuck off at the TechCrunch Disrupt Conference

Web’s Best Skank (Female Division): Liskula Cohen

Web’s Best Skank (Male Division): Tiger Woods*

Worst Decline Into Shameless Traffic Whoring by a Web Site We Used to Respect: Huffington Post

Person We Are Most Likely to Hire to Fill Any Position, Any Time, Any Where: Debrahlee Lorenzana

Person Whose Breast Enhancement Video We Really Didn’t Need to See But Couldn’t Stop Watching: Debrahlee Lorenzana

Best Use of Twitter as a Vehicle for Satire We Really Wish We’d Thought of First: @BPGlobalPR

(People’s Voice Winner: @plusk. Not even Ashton Kutcher could be that stupid, right? Right?)

Person Most Likely to be Found on the Internet Without Underwear: Your Girlfriend

* Lifetime Achievement Award

Remember winners, your acceptance speeches are limited to five words or less, and must not include the terms "Fudruckers," "analingulus" or "wankel rotary engine."

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