Alternate Reality

12 Secret iPhone 4 Features Even Apple Doesn’t Know About

Think you already know everything about Apple’s new iPhone 4? Please allow us to introduce the Soul Scanner, the Gynoscope, iSnob, and SausageTime.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone 4 at this week’s Worldwide Apple Developers’ Conference (WWDC). Coverage has been exhaustive. By now you probably think you know everything there is to know about Apple’s new iPhone. Well, think again.

eSarcasm has uncovered features so secret 99.98 percent of Apple employees don’t know about them. In fact, the following 12 features are known only to Steve and the Almighty Creator – and He’s signed an airtight nondisclosure agreement.

Prepare to be amazed.

1. "Retina" Display: Peers into your soul, unless you write for Associated Content or Demand Media, in which case you have no soul.

2. Internal gyroscope: Senses when you’re driving on a curvy road after drinking too many Jagermeister Red Bull cocktails and automatically launches the iHurl app. Bring a smock.

3. Internal gynoscope: It’s easy: Just extend, insert, collect data, and transmit. You’ll never have to visit your OBGYN again!

4. FaceTime video chat: Special "SausageTime" mode auto-pans to your genitals for those intimate ChatRoulette sessions.

5. iBooks: Steve Jobs can now see what you’re reading and, if He disapproves, automatically wipe that content from your phone. [Editors’ note: Amazon has already filed a patent infringement suit.]

6. Better power management: Allows for 7 hours talk time, which for AT&T customers works out to 17 minutes of actual conversation once you subtract time spent saying "What? Are you still there? I think I lost you. Let me step outside and see if this works any better. Hello?"

7. iSnob: The video chat’s iPhone 4-to-iPhone 4-only limitation is actually a feature. Soon, all iPhones will make calls and send texts only to other iPhones, too.

8. Stainless steel shell: Repels BBs shot at you by arrogant Android users determined to make the iPhone’s market share drop even faster.

9. Secret "DP" mode: Front- and rear-facing cameras capture three-way action like it’s never been captured before! (Just don’t try to watch the video on your iPhone afterwards, as that would constitute watching porn. And we all know what Chairman Jobs thinks about that.)

10. iDonate: One-tap sign-up for organ donor registries. Now Apple fanboys can offer kidneys, lungs, and other surplus squishy bits directly to Steve so he doesn’t have to buy a house in Asslick, Idaho, next time he needs an upgrade.

11. Dookie cam: Optional bottom-facing camera module. Point it downward and see what kind of fun memories you can capture.

12. GizmoNo: Unit locks up the moment any blogger from Gizmodo gets his pudgy, chimichanga-stained fingers on it.

One more thing: Jobs announced that Apple’s World Wide Developers Conference will be merging with World Wrestling Entertainment. Next year’s WWDCWWE will be co-hosted by Steve "Stone Cold" Austin.

Photo: Steve & God’s Phone courtesy of the UK Telegraph and TrekEarth.

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