Alternate Reality   •   Favorites

Six High Tech Inventions We’d Like to See

Gadgets that let you recognize faces or resolve disputes are so 2009. The real action is in gizmos that provide anal detection, flatulence redirection, and The Groper.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 27, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

flatulence automatic redirection technologyAh Intel. Not content to simply build powerful computer chips and wait around for Microsoft to suck up more CPU clock cycles with badly written operating systems, the silicon giant has unveiled dozens of ideas for future gizmos that could one day change our lives (while sucking up more CPU clock cycles). As the San Jose Merc reports:

Wouldn’t it be useful to have a gadget that immediately warned you when the information you just saw on the Internet or heard from a buddy might be baloney? How about a gizmo that helps you remember the names of people you encounter whose faces you only vaguely recall? Or a personal robot with such a gentle touch it could fetch your reading glasses without leaving a scratch? These are among more than three dozen futuristic concepts being explored by Santa Clara chip maker Intel.

Sure, facial and place recognition, dispute reconciliation, lovingly gentle (yet strangely alluring) robots are all great ideas. But at eSarcasm’s top secret research facility and drive-through restaurant we’ve cooked up a few prototype gadgets of our own. Check these out, you silicon loving simps.

Bootlickr 1.0: Sucking up to the Man has never been easier than with the Bootlickr, which automatically generates unctuous yet sincere-sounding praise for every idea that flies off the top of your boss’s pointy little head, no matter how inane. Works with email, Twitter, and a programmable SD card that plugs directly into your larynx and accurately mimics the sound of your voice. Now you can slime your way to the top without violating your personal principles.

Arringtonator: Ever find yourself engaged in an argument you just can’t win? With the soon-to-be-tested Arringtonator, your worries will be over. Regardless of your position, the Arringtonator will translate all of your statements into overly arrogant and egotistical rants. It doesn’t matter if you know you’re wrong — the Arringtonator will make you look like you know you’re right! Exude confidence, even when you shouldn’t have it. Grammatical mistakes included.

Flatulence Automatic Redirection Technology: Based on the same principle as ventriloquism, FART uses sophisticated psycho-acoustics and olfactory obfuscation to gently loft your air biscuits across a crowded room, completely obscuring their source. Why let a natural bodily function turn you into a social pariah? Let he smelt it be assumed to have dealt it. Floral scents available.

Anal Recognition System: Avoid embarrassing coital slip-ups with the state-of-the-art Anal Recognition System (ARS). The ARS works just like Intel’s upcoming facial recognition technology, only on derrieres. Simply affix the gadget anywhere on your body, and when you flip her over, it’ll let you know if you’ve hit that before. Never feel like an ass again!

Leer Goggles: Sometimes even alcohol can’t power you through a meaningless-yet-necessary erotic encounter with someone below even your pitiful standards. The Leer Goggles can help. Just strap them on moments before last call, and you’ll go home with the girl or guy of your dreams, every time. Patented optics technology delivers a stunning slimming effect, erasing acres of ugly flab faster than you can say “Jenny Craig.” Specially formulated adhesives keep the goggles in place during even the most athletic romps in the hay, yet can be removed easily with paint thinner after ‘fattie/hottie’ has left the building.

The Groper: Gentlemen, meet your new wingman: the pocket-sized Groper. Ready to make it to second base but can’t muster up the nerve to make the move? Tap The Groper, and your gal will never know it’s not your hand on her thigh. With The Groper in your pocket, she’ll always be happy to see you (at least, until you round third base — then you’re on your own, slick).

eSarcasm LLC is currently seeking angel investors to help help bring these ideas to fruition. (Previous involvement in Bernie Madoff or R. Allen Stanford investment schemes a plus.) Interested parties can send an email with bank routing numbers to

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter